The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

3. The Armenian Accord

The Armenian Accord

"The pen is mightier than the sword, my dear General. Signing our peace accord will improve the relationship between your country and all your neighbours immediately. It's a win-win situation."

Lucille, the Luxembourg Consul in Armenia, was an experienced negotiator, trained to solve explosive situations. She knew the power of positive words: never say «enemies» but use the neutral term «neighbours», which indirectly indicates friendship; use strong words like «peace», «win-win» and «relationship»; never say «no» or «not», but emphasise what both parties can achieve by working together; always focus on positive goals, but never from the point of view of the teacher, the priest, or the all-knowing parent.

She hadn't convinced the General at all.

"We're only THIS close to victory.", he said.

Quickly, Lucille placed a golden fountain pen in the tiny gap between the thumb and the forefinger, with which the General indicated the distance between now and eternal glory: "And you've got to hold on to what you've got. It doesn't make a difference if you battle or not. We got this accord and that's a lot. Let's give it a shot, my dear General. I'm happy you've made this wise decision. The newspapers will respect and admire you and your colleague (and now your friend) Archibald, the Admiral of Azerbaijan."

Gregory, the General, head of Georgia's Armed Forces, looked at the golden pen: "Beautiful piece of art, this is. Was it made in your country?"

Lucille flashed an encouraging smile, happy with her minor triumph: "It was made on the Isle of Malta by a specialised craftsman who only makes twelve of these golden pens per year. They are filled with special Arabic ink that is impossible to remove, which makes them the perfect utensils for signing peace treaties. After we've signed the accord, you can keep the pen as a souvenir."

But until that significant moment, Lucille wanted to keep the pen, of course. Her body language, with a lot of body and little language, persuaded Gregory to return the little artefact. His amused smile proved that the ice had broken, that the North Pole had melted, that he wanted to agree and sign, but, being a man, he liked to quarrel a bit more about the details before that final moment: "I don't want to enter a room where that Azerbaijan arsenal has already arrived. And neither will I sit and wait in a room until that Azerbaijan ass comes in."

"That will be no problem at all, my dear General. We'll sign the accord in the Consul's Conference Room in our Embassy of Luxembourg in Erevan, the capital of Armenia, tomorrow morning. That room has two doors. At 11:55 AM exactly both doors will open. The General of Georgia enters through the door on the left, and at exactly the same time, the Admiral of Azerbaijan enters via the door on the right. You will both walk to the round table in the middle of the room, you will both shake hands, you will both sit down at the same moment, and you will both sign the peace treaty, the Armenian Accord, at the same time, exactly at 12:00 AM. This is a deal between equals. There's only one difference: everything on the left is part of Georgia, as that country lies on the left side of the map, while everything on the right is part of Azerbaijan, as that country lies on the right side of the map. We've arranged everything. You will be delighted."

"I don't trust it. It might be a trap. You might work for our enemy, the Azerbaijan swine."

"Your secret service can have access to the building and search everything they want. You will find nothing. You will be perfectly safe. My country, Luxembourg, has no part in the war between your country and Azerbaijan, and neither does Armenia. As you know, after strong requests from the Armenian President, we took the initiative to start the peace negotiations. I admit we have an interest in that peace, but so do you. Your planes bomb Azerbaijan granaries while their planes bomb Georgian tomato paste factories. When the bombings stop, you will all save millions on military, and it will give us all the chance to restart production. Georgian bread is the best in the region, as Azerbaijan tomato paste is the best in the region too, which can be combined with Armenian cheese, also the best in the region, into Caucasian pizzas, which, with help of our independent Luxembourg banks, can be sold to Turkey, where 80 million consumers will sacrifice everything for this exclusive delicacy. We will all fill our stomachs and our wallets at the same time, but we can only eat a piece of the pie of peace when we work together."