The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

15. The Faeroe Islands Football Institution

The Faeroe Islands Football Institution

This was a great day. The President climbed the three steps to the desk on the little stage, smiled at his audience, and started his speech: "Dear fellow Faeroese. Today is a great day. Today, we celebrate the establishment of our coordinating umbrella institution of all the football clubs in our country: the FIFA, the Faeroe Islands Football Association..."

With pride and happiness, the President interrupted his speech for the standing ovation of all the fifteen representatives of the Faeroe football clubs that filled the conference room behind the bar «The University of Tórshavn». This was a great day indeed.

A phone call prevented the President from going on. It was the Secretary-Treasurer of the just-founded association, who said: "I'm in the phone booth that is just across the hall. It was an awful man from Zürich with a call. They don't agree with us, they're ready for a brawl. If we go on with this, he promised that we'll fall. The Federation of International Football Associations doesn't allow us to use the same abbreviation, he said. They were first."

The news surprised the President, but only for a brief moment. This was a great day, and he didn't allow anyone to disturb it: "Dear fellow Faeroese. Today we celebrate the establishment of... The Faeroe Islands Football Society..."

The firm applause was interrupted by another phone call. "It's the chairman of the Famous Impotent Falsetto Singers, Sir. They object to our name. They claim they registered their abbreviation already in 1734."

This was getting annoying. The standing ovation sat down, but the President stood up as the last man standing: "... the establishing of... the Faeroe Islands Society of Football!"

The phone interrupted even before the applause could start. "It's the Filipino Institute for Safe Fellatio, Sir. They claim the name. They say they came first."

The President wondered: "Wasn't Fellatio a character in a play by William Shakespeare? In that case, those Filipinos aren't allowed to use the name either."

"No, Sir. It would be wise if you re-read your classics now and then."

The President found another argument in his back pocket: "Isn't it so that the Philippines are written with pee-ache and not with an f?"

The Secretary-Treasurer showed why he got the job: his dominance of the language was flawless: "The name of the country is written with pee-ache, Sir, but the inhabitants, the Filipinos, and also the adjective that stands for everything that comes from the Philippines, are both written with an f."

The President excused himself with his audience: "The language-dictator does his utmost to avoid that we, Faeroese, unite ourselves in an educated way. But we don't give up, my dear friends and football fans. We will work together because that will make us stronger. United, we'll be invincible. United, we can be like our big brother Iceland; they, a country with only 300.000 inhabitants, reached the quarter-finals of a European Championship. We, with our 30.000 united Faeroese, can do the same. We can even do better, but we'll need the support of everyone, and therefore we'll need an institution, to unite us and to guide us. Today is a great day because today is the day on which we found... the Faeroe Bloody Islands Foot Ball Institution!"

The standing ovation was so loud this time that the Secretary-Treasurer could hardly hear what the man on the other side of the line said: "I beg your pardon, Sir. We're having a bit of a jolly good atmosphere here, so it's hard to hear you. Can you please repeat what you just said...? Aha... Is that so...? I will inform our President about that. And thank you for calling, Sir. A great day to you too, Sir. That was the Federal Bureau of Investigation who claim that name, twice, and also the Firm Believers In Full Bosomed Implants will most certainly object to our planned use of the abbreviation of their organization. Perhaps we should change the name of our club, as long as the papers aren't signed?"

The President agreed, with a red head and clenched fists: "Therefore we establish today... the Federation of Frustrated Faeroe Football Fans!"

The Secretary-Treasurer's phone objected unanimously: "It's the Four Fists of Fury Film Fan-club, Sir, and the Facility of Future Fascist Fusillades and Funerals, and the Frankfurter Friends of Funny Fantasy Fiction... and the Foundation of Fussy Failing Face-lift Fugitives... and the Fabulous Freckled Farting Fortune Finders..."

This was too much, even for the brave President. His shoulders dropped, his head bent, grateful for the support of the little desk to lean on after losing his Viking vigour that could, would, have brought his country to the final in Qatar 2022.

Once again, the Secretary-Treasurer's phone rang. He picked up and, afraid to disturb this solemn moment of self-reflection, he made a brief note that he handed to the extinguished President, while he whispered: "A call from Luxembourg, Sir. They want to help us. They have a solution."

The President's face cleared up immediately. Of course. It was so easy. He restored his former flawless body language and finished his speech: "United, we're invincible. When we work together, we can do the impossible. So herewith we establish the Faeroe United Clubs of Kickers, an institution not only for football players but also for karatekas, so we can kick ass together, united, all the way to the final in Qatar 2022."

The standing ovation impeded him from saying more. There was no need to say more. Even the Secretary-Treasurer's phone stayed quiet. This was a great day.