The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

43. The Vatican Vampire

The Vatican Vampire

The double doors, built in the times of Frederick Barbarossa, were solid oak. 850 years ago, they kept Barbarossa outside, and now they did their best to keep Doc outside too.

Old doors shut the ones behind them out of new discoveries, new ideas, and new technologies. One of those new technologies, the Super Duper Party Pooper, was Doc's invention. It was a laser-thin blade, sharp as a scalpel, with teeth like a tiger, connected to a standard electric toothbrush. It was thin enough to slide through the crack and cut the 850-year-old baulk on the other side of the double doors in less than a minute.

The stairs were cold and dark. Damp, musty air invited him in. Doc hesitated. He was armed with a bottle of wine and a birthday cake for a one-year-old. Would that guarantee his safety? Was it worth it? Probably not. He had a lot to lose and little to win. But wasn't that exactly what the life of a medical doctor was about? Saving lives was a frustrating business, as patients hardly changed their bad habits and kept expecting the doctor to save them again next time. Blood, sweat and tears were the prices of modern healthcare.

Slowly, Doc descended the ancient staircase. At the bottom, he stepped into a corridor, lined with five doors on either side. The faint sound of a flying shape stopped him. Would there be vampire bats here? Do vampire bats exist? If they do, this would be the place where they'd feel at home: a medieval crypt where venomous spiders play mortal combat with acid-spitting millipedes. How can any human being prefer this place above the warm and clean environment of a modern mental hospital?

"Is there anybody down here?", Doc asked, his voice intimidated by a sinister echo, hiding at the end of the corridor.

"No."

"Go away."

"Thou have no meaning here."

Doc didn't come here to be scared away so easily: "Where are you?"

"Here."

"Here."

"And here too."

Doc knew his classics: "Are you the three witches of Shakespeare's Macbeth? Or are you the three ghosts of Dickens's Christmas Carol?"

"We are the ones that can't be found."

"We are the squares that can't be round."

"We are the birds that don't make sound."

Doc knew the answer: "You're the three cardinals, dressed in bloody red like the songbird you're named after. I mean you no harm. You can come out into the candlelight and give me a hand, by opening this bottle of excellent Chianti for me. I forgot to bring a corkscrew."

Three shadows stepped forward and showed themselves in the poor light of Doc's birthday candle.

"Is that the body of Christ?"

"No, it's a birthday cake."

"Is that the blood of Christ?"

"No, it's a bottle of Chianti."

"Is that the message of Christ?"

"No, it's an invitation to leave this dark, unhealthy place, and come with me to the sunny St. Peter's Square in front of Michelangelo's dome. We offer you eternal life."

"Eternal life?"

"Does that mean you're going to kill us?"

"Or does that mean you'll turn us into vampires like yourself?"

"You are after our blood, aren't you?"

"We can smell it here."

"You're a vampire."

The three cardinals raised their hands to protect their innocent souls. The first cardinal held a string of garlic, the second cardinal lifted a sacred cross, and the third cardinal showed a glass of holy water.

"I'm not a vampire."

"Yes, you are."

"I'm a doctor."

"You're Doctor Victor von Frankenstein, the famous vampire."

"Victor von Frankenstein was a scientist, invented by Mary Shelley. The vampire you're mistaken about was Bram Stoker's Count Dracula, but he was fiction. He didn't really exist."

"You know that fiction is all lies." - "Like the lies it starts with, that all those monsters from the dark side don't really exist." - "We know better." - "We won't come out." - "We won't step into the light." - "We'll stay where we are.", the three cardinals said with hollow voices.

Doc changed his tactics: "You're afraid to step into the light because... you're vampires yourself. Close your eyes and give me your hands, or burn in an eternal flame. This is the candle on the cake to save your souls."

"We're not vampires."

"You're dressed in bloody red."

"We're NOT vampires."

"You hide in the dark and sleep in a crypt."

"WE'RE NOT VAMPIRES!"

"Then, come with me. Show me I'm wrong."

The trick worked. One by one, the three cardinals followed Doc through the corridor, up the stairs, and through the hall towards the doors to the square. Ten more steps. Five. Three...

"It's a trap. He's after our blood. He IS a vampire after all.", the three cardinals shouted. But there was no way back. At least twenty masked men and women surrounded them, all dressed in bloody clothes and holding bloody knives.

Doc lifted his hands: "Please. There's been an accident. These are all doctors and nurses from the Red Cross. We need blood to save the lives of the victims. If you donate your blood, a part of you will live eternally, in the bodies of other people. Help us help others. Please?"

It was in vain. The three cardinals believed that God himself had to do all the work. They were servants of God, with the holy task of guarding the exclusive bottles of wine, kept in the cool cellar, behind two heavy ancient oak doors. They didn't believe in sharing bread with the poor. They didn't believe in science. They believed in Higher Powers. Then they got on their knees and prayed:

"Sanctus Espiritus redeem us from our solemn hour
Sanctus Espiritus insanity is all around us
We don't get fooled again..."