The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

21. The Irish Intelligence

The Irish Intelligence

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman were sitting in a bar. All three were spies. They were good spies too, as each knew the others were also spies.

"Anything new at MI6?", the Englishman asked, sipping his pint of Mild.

"New training program coming up, probably before Christmas. British Royal Inform Look Listen International And National Training, a.k.a.: B.R.I.L.L.I.A.N.T. The training will be given at a village in Cornwall, but which one is not decided yet.", the Scotsman said, as he downed the second half of his pint of Lager.

The Irishman already knew the Scottish Secret Service's answer to that novelty: "In a castle near Loch Ness, your SSS bosses are preparing Secret Military Attack Retreat Training, or S.M.A.R.T. as it's called in the top-secret files. It's planned to start before the end of November." He emptied his pint of Guinness and gestured to the bartender for another round.

The Englishman had intel too: "Irish Intelligence will start next week with their new program, called Important Distilleries In Our Territories, or I.D.I.O.T., given only to their highest qualified personnel. The teacher is sergeant major Stuart Pitt (everybody calls him Stu), and the course takes place in a former monastery, a few miles south of Limerick."

The Irishman shook his head: "Not true."

The Scotsman corrected: "A few miles southeast of Limerick, in a former nun's school. And it's only for staff that know how to read and write, which excludes half of the highest qualified."

"Do you know what the training is about?", the Irishman asked. He emptied his glass and gave a sign to the bartender for another round.

"It has to do with budgets. Irish agents have to learn to spend less money and get more valuable information in return.", the Englishman smiled while he tried to keep up on the drinking with the Scotsman and the Irishman.

The Scotsman put his empty glass on the table and started his next one. He had no problem with this mission, as long as the Irish taxpayers paid for the drinks.

The Irishman put a new top secret on top of the others: "MI6 will stop infiltration in the top of sports organizations like the UCI, the FIFA and the IAAF next year. They say it doesn't pay off; received bribes are not enough to cover the costs of the operation. Seb Coe was the only one doing a good job, getting the Russians out of the international battlefields of athletics."

Now it was the Scotsman who denied the information: "Not true. The Russians will double their offer next month and buy themselves in again."

The Irishman finished his pint of Guinness and ordered another round.

The Englishman wanted to show off that his organization was always better informed than all the competition: "The Irish Secret Intelligence Service plans to change its name from ISIS to IS, Irish Service, as they are no longer a secret, and they can't find any intelligence either. Nobody thought about the simple fact that the terrorists of Islamic State already registered the IS name, with the logo and the trademark."

"I heard the Irish Intelligence is convinced they will destroy IS before the end of next month, but nobody has any idea how to do it.", the Scotsman added while he finished his Lager and the next two, to keep up with the Irishman. The Englishman was already under the table. The Scotsman followed halfway through the next pint.

The Irishman stood up, emptied the pockets of the two drunks, put part of their money on the bar, and said goodbye to the bartender: "Drinking so much cola without bubbles is bad for my stomach, but it works fine, as you see. I'm going to invite the warlords of IS and their army, to meet me here next week and drink them under the table too. It's the quickest way to make them stop the fighting. And the warlords guarantee a more interesting conversation too. I don't think I ever heard one single little civil word from those two guys..."

The bartender asked: "Why did you invite those two, anyway? Did the warlords have better things to do than drink beer and discuss international politics?"

The Irishman smiled, waved with the British and Scottish pounds and answered: "They don't, but Ireland is a poor country. We needed those two to supply us with the budget for our meeting with the warlords. With a little financial help from my friends, I'm gonna keep on trying to make the world a safer place. See you next week, Khalid."