The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

9. The Cypriot Critique

The Cypriot Critique

"What do you mean «We have no news»? We're a newspaper. Of course, we have news. My neighbour's cat gave birth to seven kittens last night. That's news. My niece scored a 10 on her final exam Creative Writing. That's news. You have to go out and look for it."

Mister Murderdochter was confident about himself. All the other newspapers in the United Kingdoms of Awfulness had disappeared, one after another. The Cypriot Critique was the only one left, thanks to him, the CEO, who always made the right decisions and who was a great motivator for the journalists and staff.

Peter corrected his mistake: "You're right, Sir. I'm sorry. I should have said: «We have no bad news.» And without bad news, we don't have a leading article on our front page."

Mister Murderdochter didn't see any problem at all: "And what's the reason we don't have any bad news?" Nobody in the conference room dared to answer the rhetorical question, so he did it himself: "Because there are no problems left in our country, the United Kingdoms of Awfulness, formerly known as the divided island Cyprus. The L.S.D., the Law of Spelling and Dictionary, ended all errors in grammar and spelling, which solved all the other problems in our society. It's great news there's no bad news. It's not a problem we don't have problems. I don't know why you are so depressed."

Donny, in the corner at the other end of the room, mumbled: "I hate depressed people."

Peter raised his hands: "We're The Cypriot Critique. Our readers expect us to inform them about problems. We used to have all those juicy articles about unemployment, about fights, about poverty, hunger and fugitives. And now?"

"Now, all the unemployed have a job and all the poor have an income. Now, everybody works, either as a Grammar Nazi to control-and-correct every written word that sees the light, or as a guard in the newly built prisons for all the people who make errors in spelling. No more hunger, no more poverty, no more racism, no more fugitives, no more aggression... Even the hate between the Turkish Cypriots in the north and the Greek Cypriots in the south has disappeared."

"I hate Turkish people. And I hate Greek people too.", Donny muttered.

Mister Murderdochter continued as if he didn't hear the remark: "Even freedom of speech is a basic right now. Do you remember when speaking Greek caused fear, for the Turkish while speaking Turkish caused fear for the Greek? All that disappeared when King Murderdochter spoke his famous words: «I want to be elected!» and with the support of the press, he won the elections. He declared Oxford English the new national language and promised to act against everyone who broke his new law. And now, not even one year later, we have peace, progress, and pastry."

"I hate pastry.", Donny grumbled.

"I miss rock 'n' roll. I miss the Rolling Stones and AC/DC.", Peter said.

Mister Murderdochter sneered: "You miss songs with a title like «I can't get no satisfaction»? That's a double negation, prohibited by law. And what about «Whole Lotta Rosie»? Please be so kind and show me the word «lotta» in the Oxford Dictionary, Peter. What kind of example did rock 'n' roll give our society? It's bad spelling, bad pronunciation, and grammatical errors everywhere. Nobody ever learnt anything from rock 'n' roll."

"Yeah, now we only hear instrumental music because everyone is afraid they will end up in jail if they sing «yeah» instead of «yes»."

Mister Murderdochter slapped his hand on the table: "You know that isn't true. The word «yeah» might be informal, but it's in the dictionary and nobody will go to jail for using it. And what's wrong with our prisons? I've been there a few weeks, to work on my adjectives, to develop my writing from good to well, and to avoid my bad spelling becoming badly. You get three meals per day, clean sheets every Friday, and they set you free immediately after you pass the National Dictation test. The quality of life on our island has improved so much since my twin brother became our King."