The European Enigma (LSD, #9)

31. The Northern Irish Nett Income

The Northern Irish Nett Income

"Good evening, Sir. Is it alright if I come in? I'm from the government and I'd like a word with the both of you."

"No, it's not alright, Su^h. We're havin' dinnûh. The soup has just been served. I hate cold soup."

"That's no problem at all, Sir. I hate to eat cold soup too and, as they say, where there's dinner for two, there's dinner for three. That's the hospitality Northern Ireland is famous for, isn't it?"

"This issunt hospitality. This is praivassy and—"

"Look. This government badge allows me to enter everywhere and do whatever I like. It goes with the job. It's late, and I haven't had dinner yet, so if you want to avoid a stiff penalty and a nice stay in the State Hotel... I'm not here to fill prisons. I'm here to solve problems. My first problem is that I'm hungry. Do I smell pork chops here? And mashed potatoes? Carrots and peas...? You carry on with the soup while I work on the second plate. Meanwhile, I have a few questions for you. According to my information, you must be Mr Patrick O'Neil, which makes the misses here Mrs Madeleine O'Neal. Is that correct?"

"It's Paddy 'n' Maddy, Su^h."

"Shut up, Paddy. Eat you' soup."

"This is great soup, Mrs O'Neal. Did you make it yourself?"

"She's a great wife an' a great cook, Su^h. I've married her fifty years ago and not regretted it one day."

"Shut up, Paddy. Let the man eat his soup."

"All fresh ingredients too. It's a really delicious soup."

"She's doin' the shoppin' every day and she's a great cook too."

"And this is such a nice house: clean, tidy, and smelling like roses."

"She's cleanin' and washin' every day too. She's a great wife, Su^h. I luv hu^h very much."

"Shut up, Paddy."

"You must love her very much."

"When I fall in love, it must be forev^uh, 'cause I nev^ur can afford a divorce, Su^h."

"You must love her every day, for many hours, all night long."

"Yes, Su^h. She's—"

"Shut up, Paddy. No talkin' 'bout us havin' sex on the dinnu^h table."

"That's what I thought. I know this is all going to be a little technical, with lots of numbers and stuff, so I hope you won't interrupt my explication. Okay? According to the government's databases and the confidential information we get from everywhere, the O'Neil – O'Neal have been married since... 1968. During all those fifty years, Mr O'Neil worked as a drag at O'Leary Construction Company."

"Every day, Su^h. I tumble outta bed, I stumble to the kitchen, I get my self a cup, and I fill it with ambition, and then I'm workin', nine to five, a way to make a livin'."

"In my files, it says Mr O'Neil works for minimum wage, which is (according to his tax declaration) 1.500 Pounds nett per month. But I don't see any savings. 1.500 Pounds per month, for fifty years, that's quite a sum. It looks like you're hiding it from the taxman. You know every good, hard-working citizen should declare his savings and pay his taxes, don't you?"

"We've some spendin' too, Su^h. 500 for the rent, 500 for the food, and 500 for the bills. And that's coming back every month, Su^h."

"I see. And Mrs O'Neil – born O'Neal is working as a housewife for the nett income of... nothing at all. That's why I'm here. According to what you just declared: the cooking, the shopping, the cleaning, the washing and the sexual services in this house are all on the account of Mrs O'Neal. After only a few minutes at this table, I found out that Mrs O'Neal is doing at least 40 hours per week of productive work here for Mr O'Neil, and she's doing it without a proper salary. That's not only abuse of the female minority, prohibited by feminist law 212-C, it's also Slavery, prohibited by martial law 1863, and on top of that, it's financial fraud, prohibited by the Economic law of Offer and Demand. We're looking at some serious penalties here, Mrs and Mr O'Neil..."

"Ah told ya to shut up, Paddy. Din't Ay?"

"Don't worry, Mrs O'Neal. I'm not here to fill our national prisons. I'm here to offer a solution. We can agree that Mrs O'Neal gets a reasonable salary for her work, so we set that to the amount of 1.500 Pounds per month, the minimum salary for a full-time job. And we can also conclude there's no employer-employee relationship here. This makes Mrs O'Neal self-employed. Or is she, like a slave, following instructions from her husband, who pays her a salary?"

"Shut up, Paddy."

"I consider that as a «no». Earning 1.500 Pounds per month, means a monthly income tax of 300 Pounds, a monthly contribution to the national health insurance of 300 Pounds, and a monthly premium for sickness and invalidity of 300 Pounds. That leaves you with 600 Pounds per month net income, but that will not be enough to pay the monthly 1.200 Pounds to pay off the debt that you created with fifty years of not paying those 900 Pounds per month, plus interest, plus fines. I suggest you take a paid job for the day and another job for the evening, Mrs O'Neal, so we can settle this delicate case without getting anyone into trouble. You ARE hard-working citizens, aren't you? You don't want to act against the laws in this beautiful country, do you? And as we have seen already, Mr O'Neil himself already has a full-time job, earning 2.500 per month and paying his 1.000 taxes and contributions to the State bankruptcy every month, so the only possibility I see here is that Mrs O'Neal takes a paid job. And I have very good news for you because just half an hour ago, I visited Mr and Mrs O'Brian - O'Brien, right next door. Mr O'Brian has a 40hr/wk vacancy for a housewife, someone who can cook, wash, clean, and do some smaller sexual services for him on a daily basis. Mrs O'Brian – born O'Brien can't do that work for free anymore, as she's working two jobs now to pay the taxes, according to the law. But you understand, I can't explain all the details to you, as this is confidential information and, as a government employee, I have to guarantee the privacy of all the citizens in our beautiful country.

» What's for dessert?"

...

"What's it fo^h, Su^h?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's it fo^h? The taxes. Why do we pay taxes?"

"That's obvious, my dear man. Our government takes care of the citizens of this country. Such a government costs money. The schools cost money, the army costs money, the police cost money, and all those poor unemployed bastards cost us shiploads of money. So we invented taxes. Those taxes have to be paid by the ones who work. I myself pay taxes, and you yourself pay taxes, and still, the government doesn't have enough. So we find more working people to pay taxes. It's easy, isn't it? People who don't work get money, and people who work, pay that money."

"Can you give me your phone, Su^h? One short call, to Luxembourg. Thank you... Hello? Paddy here. Did you hear everythin'? ... Aha... Aha... Okay, thank you. Goodbye. Thanks for the phone, Su^h."

"What was that about?"

"That was me advaisor."

"What did he say?"

"I stop workin'. Pay me."

"What?"

"You 'eard me. I stop workin'. Pay me. An' me wife, she stopped workin' too. Pay her too. We get 3.000 Pounds each month from you, each, the minimum, so we pay 500 for the rent, 500 for the food, 500 for the bills and 1.500 for the neighbour's wife who comes here doin' our work. It's the law. You just told us."

"Well spoken, Paddy. I luv you."

"I luv you too, Maddy."