You are my home

Tuesday, March 7, 2006

Melissa

I hesitated for a long time, but now I'm at Valerie's door. Not long after I ring the doorbell, the door opens. A man looks at me questioningly. "Uhm is Valerie home?". I say nervously. "I was already starting to think you had let me down". The man looks back and not much later Valerie comes into view. She looks at me with a smile. "Oh, of course you don't know each other yet. Sander this is Melissa". Sander looks from Valerie to me. "Ah, now I finally have a face to the name". I look questioningly at Valerie. She gives me a small smile and sees her face turn a little red. "Rose can't stop talking about you. But this is Sander". Out of good decency I give Sander a hand. " Nice to meet you. I'll leave you alone now." With that said, he turns around. He puts his hand on Valerie's shoulder. "Blame your daughter." After Sander has said that, he walks away. I look at Valerie questioningly. She shakes her head with a small smile and turns around. "Come in. We'll go sit in the kitchen. We can talk in peace there."

I take a seat at the kitchen table. After Valerie has poured tea for both of us, she sits down opposite me. "Not that I pay much attention to it, but your husband doesn't look bad." Valerie looks at me with a smile. "Sander is indeed not an ugly guy". Then it falls silent and we look at each other. "You still have a lot of trouble with your nose?". Valerie breaks the silence after a while. "I can feel it still attached, but fortunately it is no longer painful. I'm sorry I left you with my mess." She gives me a smile. "Don't worry about that. Otherwise you would have been in class even later. But so seven in the past six months?". I sigh. After it came out this morning I immediately regretted it. It's not something I'm proud of. I think Valerie senses I'm a little uncomfortable. She puts her hands over mine. "If you don't want to tell me, I totally understand. I promise you that everything you tell me will stay between us". I give her a small nod. "What have you heard about me?". She shrugs. "The stories are going around that you go from one to the other. That you have already broken many a hearts". I shake my head with a smile. "Still nice how it all sounds like my fault". Valerie lets go of my hands and leans back in her chair. She continues to look at me for a moment. "You know how things like that go, Melissa. It is quickly made bigger than it is. And do not forget. Often this has to do with jealousy. Would you like to tell me your side of the story?"

I close my eyes for a moment to think. Do I really want to share this with Valerie. But I'd rather tell her the truth than make her believe the stories. " First. I don't break hearts. I'm always very clear that I don't do relationships." Valerie looks at me with a smile. "Melissa, it can break your heart, but it's not your fault. I can get that those girls want more. Even if you say you don't want to, they still have hope. If you reject them anyway, it hurts and they will make up stories". I nod understandingly. "I know that. But it's not like I'm going to them. You don't want to know how pushy some girls are and how many I've turned down already. But I'm only human and sometimes it helps to forget things for a while". It's actually quite a relief to be able to talk to Valerie about it like this. When I talk to Emma about it, it always ends in a fight because she doesn't understand me. "I totally get you. I'm not judging you either, Melissa. You only see what comes of it. Are you willing to do that? You really have to find out for yourself, but is it worth it? Just look at this morning. What was all that?" I sigh. " As I already are. Apparently the last person I did something with is in a relationship. Thursday was the first time I had seen her. After the gym she suddenly stood half naked in front of me in the dressing room and one thing led to another. This morning I got a visit from her boyfriend". Valerie continues to stare at me for a moment. "I don't know you at all." she says softly. I don't quite know what to say.

Suddenly Valerie stands up and sits down next to me. She wraps her arms around. Only then do I realize that I am crying. "Actually, I'm not like that." Valerie just says word and just holds me tight. When my tears have stopped I pull away from her. She looks at me a little worried. "Melissa , tell me honestly. Do you feel comfortable with it or are you doing it to please someone else?" I shake my head and then cling to Valerie again. " I sometimes want to forget things for a while, but then I usually just feel worse. Especially the drama that comes afterwards". I feel Valerie's lips on my head. "Then please stop. We can probably find another way. You also know that you can come to me day and night if you want to vent. I am here for you". When she has said that I hold her a little tighter and I feel my tears come again.

I don't know what it's like to have someone like Valerie come into my life. I haven't known her that long, but I do know that I never want to lose her friendship. Which also makes it very scary, because I don't dare to attach myself to people. But with Valerie, it happens without my own permission. " What is?". She asks when I suddenly get up. "I'm just going to run off. Tomorrow the first hour I have a test". Valerie gives me a small nod.

She gets up and walks with me to the front door. " I see you tomorrow. Remember that you can always come to me and that you can just tell me if you don't want to talk about something anymore". She gives me a wink. I didn't expect anything other than that she would realize that that test was not my reason for leaving. "Thank you, Valerie. I have to process for myself what I told you. I normally don't even have these kinds of conversations with Emma". Valerie nods in understanding. "I am glad that you confided in me and that you were able to tell your story. Now go home and don't think too much about it." I give her a big hug and then leave for my bed.