My Darling ~Lady Lesso oneshots

Dear Diary~

Leonora Lesso x Female!reader | Mother: N/A |Father: N/A| Reader is a Never | Reader is a student | Trigger warnings: Self harm, relapse, Insecurity, suicidal thoughts | Don't read if these trigger you |  Lesso POV | Nicknames: my love, lover, Nora | teacher x student relationship |

Dear Diary,

                               I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Questions may fill my head but my thoughts remain constant. It feels like drowning with no one to help. It hurts and fights me. I'm weak. I'm so weak. Why can't I just be 'fine' or 'good' ,or every other lie I say I am, for once in my pathetic existence. 

I hate myself and have little legacy to show. Of course that doesn't matter but I'd prefer it if people actually cared about the scars, the glass against my paled skin, the rope in my room.

It would be so easy but I'm too weak. I'm unable to speak the words so I suffer in silence. I'm unable to share what I feel so I'm 'perfectly fine'. I don't look it ,so I'm not. I hate my life but there's nothing I should hate so I then decide to hate myself. 

The ball of light that once shined bright is becoming a chunk of coal- hardened by life and shaped by others and I hate myself because I let them do it.

Always faithful,

Y/N L/N (13/2)

:..

I turn the pages, continuing to read the written words that brought tears to my eyes.

:..

Dear diary,

                 'I hate myself' that's the words sliced into my skin. Words that plague my mind all the time. Several relapses in 24 hours. I looked at my damage and decided to do some more- messages and reminders etched into my already scarred skin so I never forget it. Why do I keep doing it?

Why do I keep running towards fiction to cope with my life? My life doesn't seem that bad. 

I have a massive migraine and despite scarring my skin with the message that she doesn't care, I'm still going towards her. Running into her arms, having her protect me and living my unrealistic fantasy. A dream I wish to have forever but I'll never get the chance. 

She doesn't care. I long for her. I love her but she can't help me. She's causing me more damage- separating me from society for a fling. Pathetic. No wonder I hate myself. 

I just want to die. I just want to end it all but I'm weak.

I genuinely can't think of a moment I was actually and completely happy. A real moment, not a 'Lesso' moment or a fake event I've conjured in my diseased head. I question my purpose but nothing is the answer. I have no answer. I have no purpose but to serve others-to make them appear better in comparison. I'm useless. I have no reason to be alive but I'm too weak to die.   I hate myself       ~an understatement to what I feel.

Always Faithful,

  Y/N L/N (2/3)

:..

Dear Diary,

A day of pain. A day of hope. A day of imagination. A day I don't have to feel. I will feel nothing. I won't feel the hurt. I won't have to feel disappointment or the self sabotage. I am my own therapy and it's slowly destroying me and my soul. I won't talk to anyone. 

I was told to communicate better, well it was more of a demand, but no one knows what I'm going through. No one knows who I really am. I wear a mask everywhere. A few weeks ago, I tried an 'accidental' experiment. I told no one. I cried for almost 2 days straight and no one noticed. And if they did notice, they didn't say anything, they just excepted the 'I'm fine' I gave them. 

Only one teacher noticed I was crying, Lady Lesso, and I seemed to convince her it was just a bad day... but it wasn't just a bad day , it was one of my 'less fortunate days' .

A day I couldn't fight it so I let out tears and hurt myself. But not in the traditional form. I didn't slice my wrists. I mentally tormented myself. 

A part of me thought I was an idiot to get caught. A smaller part of me thought they cared, then I realised it's part of her job. She doesn't really care, She doesn't know the way my mind works.

When I was younger and throughout my childhood I was told 'Every person is unique. Every one was different. You could never find two of the exact same person'. I guess the same can be said about the mind. Mental illness. How people view situations, challenges and issues they are facing and how they manage to deal with the problems is also 'unique'.

The truth is I've realised I'm a horrible person. Sometimes, I laugh when other people get hurt and I say I'm sadistic. 

I'm alone in a world where I am surrounded by beings. Big and small. I can't cope with this.

If anyone has ever wasted their time reading this, I'm not angry. You were probably curious and I would be as well. If anything I'm sorry. 

Now to pretend to be okay.

Always Faithful,

Y/N L/N (13/8)     

:..

I close the book and set it aside. How did she think that and I couldn't figure it out? 

How could she think I don't care about her?

 I love her and I always will. 

She isn't a 'fling'.   She's a beautiful, courageous, intelligent, devoted, passionate, bewitching, amicable, irreplaceable lover. She should see herself as nothing less than a goddess. I understand she can't help herself to not feel like this but that's why I'm here. She knows that. She trusts me now, I hope. She trusts me enough to read this at least. 

I look over to the stunning woman next to me, sleeping peacefully. She stirs, turning towards me- draping an arm over my legs. I smile slightly, how can someone feel like that and no one notice? How didn't I notice? Her eyes fluttered open, smiling when we made eye contact. "What's wrong Nora?" She says noticing the dried tears on my face. 

"Nothing's wrong my love." I answer sincerely. She looks over at the bedside table where I placed the diary, she swallows and mutters an 'oh' before looking towards the ground. I place my hand on her cheek and direct her to look in my eyes. 

"It's okay y/n. It's alright to feel like that and I'm glad you trust me enough to let me know how and what you're thinking of. Even if it's something I'd not want you to think about, I know once they start- they won't stop without a lot of help and trust in others. I'm happy that you've chosen me to help you and I'm so proud that you're willing to talk and show that you are trying. You are enough, more than enough. You are a goddess on earth and I won't rest until you believe it yourself. Even if that means reminding you every moment of everyday because I love you and I care about you and I am so proud that you're taking the first step." She begins to cry, a small smile plastered on her face. She brings me into a passionate kiss. No words were needed.

Dear Diary~

Word count: 1175

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