Falling Falling Stars

04 - Gwyn

AN: Relatively graphic memory of sexual molestation with Efnisien as the perpetrator.

*

'Efnisien, I owe you an apology. I pushed too hard last week, and with not enough sensitivity to your boundaries because I was excited at your progress, which doesn't justify my actions. I'd like to talk about how we can improve this process for you. I know situations like last week are unavoidable, it's not the first time you've walked out, after all. But let's do what we can to make sure you're getting the appropriate care you need. I'd like to also make a note of the fact that you didn't try and hurt me.'

That was some welcome to therapy. Efnisien grimaced.

'I tried to shatter your picture so I could hurt you with the glass.'

'You didn't actually try to hurt me, you tried to shatter a photo frame. It doesn't matter if your thoughts told you that you were going to hurt me, all you did was treat an object with violence. That's inappropriate behaviour which we're actively working towards changing, but on our spectrum, allowable given the circumstances at least for now. So I'd like to make a note of the fact that you didn't try and hurt me, despite – I'm certain – you feeling rightfully hurt and angry in the moment. You may not want to hear it, but-'

'I don't.'

Dr Gary had his mouth open like he was about to talk over Efnisien and then he closed it and tilted his head. 'All right. I might say it later. How can I make this process better for you?'

'You can't.'

'Come on, Efnisien, you know how this works. I want to prevent you from feeling more distress than you have to. I know these sessions are always going to be challenging, that's our work together, but I think it's time to revisit our boundaries. It's normal for boundaries to change.'

Efnisien stared at him and felt uneasy and jittery, like he'd had three espressos. He did that once. He ordered three espressos straight and drank them and then that night – a Saturday, he remembered he'd worn a white tux and fake reading glasses and he'd looked boss as fuck, ready to hunt – he'd gone to a function with Crielle and Lludd and he'd cornered Melissa, who was only a year older than him and he'd only been fourteen at the time, and put his hand up between her soft thighs while she stared at him with those wide, wide doe eyes, trembling, and he imagined what it must feel like for her and he'd felt dizzy and drunk and high on it. Just fucking high on it. And he didn't even want to put his fingers in her, he just wanted to grab her and make her realise that no one was fucking safe. She would never be fucking safe. And watching the moment she realised that her Mommy and Daddy were on the other side of the room and no one was coming to save her made his heart feel like it was pounding right out of his chest.

'Efnisien, I need you to give me a number between one and ten, please?'

'Eight,' Efnisien said hoarsely. He realised his breathing was shallow and quick. When he used to think of that memory he'd get aroused, but now his gut hurt, probably because he was breathing so fast.

'Good, okay. Let's talk about the content of the intrusive thought.'

'I don't want to.'

'Hm. Is the intrusive thought something you want to do? Or something you've done? You can say the number one if it's the former, and-'

'Two.'

'Do you want to be thinking about this right now? You don't look like you're enjoying it.'

Efnisien stared at Dr Gary, felt like he was staring through his discerning eyes into his fatty, lump of a brain behind. All those neurons. So easy to stop. So easy to make them stop.