Falling Falling Stars

43 - Soothed

'Oh, baby,' Arden crooned, which didn't help with the whole crying thing at all. Efnisien raised his locked-up hands to his face, but didn't unlace his fingers, and Arden was already moving. Moving away. Efnisien was making a fool of himself, and this was so stupid because he hadn't even cried like this in Dr Gary's office. He was just losing his shit, and Arden was...

...Arden was in front of him, pulling him close, murmuring something under his breath that Efnisien's loud sobs were drowning out.

'Look at that,' Arden said, 'you didn't even unlace your fingers. You're such a good boy.'

Not fucking helping.

He gave up trying to think of how to explain why he was reacting this way, to apologise for it, when he didn't understand it himself. He leaned heavily into Arden's body, whose arms were tight around him, his own locked fists pressed against his chest as he bawled like an idiot child. Arden smoothed his hands over Efnisien's back, stroking him over his jumper and shirt easily, firmly.

One of Arden's hands moved to his hair, sinking into the curls and cupping the back of his head, holding him close.

'Sweetheart,' Arden said softly. 'My sweet flower, that's it, you're fine. You can cry. No one's going to hurt you. And look at you keeping your hands locked together the entire time. You're so clever and good.'

Efnisien's mouth was open against Arden's stupid red shirt. His nose was running. His eyes were fucking streaming. Some of the sobs felt so violent it was more like throwing up, and Arden stayed there, and didn't move, and kept saying soft things to him which never helped – they were definitely making him cry more – but also sounded amazing.

The storm of it eventually eased, Efnisien's sobs subsiding into lost hiccupping noises, his inhales and exhales shuddering heavily.

'Are we stopping now?' Efnisien said, his voice broken and torn. 'Because I ruined it?'

'Shhh,' Arden said. 'You haven't ruined anything. We're not stopping unless you need to.'

'But-'

'Shhh,' Arden said. 'You're going to stay like this for a few minutes longer, and then I'm going to get you some tissues, help you clean up, and we're going to keep going. Remember when I said today would look simple, but would feel challenging? Always kind of... had a feeling that you weren't used to being touched. It's okay, baby, it's okay to find it overwhelming. If you hate it, we can stop.'

Efnisien shook his head. He was still leaking tears, both relieved and overwhelmed at the idea that they weren't going to stop, but also exhausted, faintly aware of the session he'd had with Dr Gary lurking in the back of his head. The memories he'd talked about didn't feel any further away after that session. He pressed closer to Arden absently, and Arden's hand tightened against his scalp and back in response.

He tensed when he heard heavy panting next to him. Isabelle had come over.

'No, Izzy,' Arden said easily, a smile in his voice. 'He's okay. You can go back to your mat, now. Go on. Good girl.'

She turned and trotted back into the kitchen, and Efnisien sniffed, then sniffed again. He felt stupidly clogged up. It had to be so fucking ugly. He was probably red and splotchy and awful-looking.

'She was checking on you,' Arden said, rubbing Efnisien's back firmly. 'She's just that kind of dog.'

Efnisien wanted to say: She's so good, but he hadn't safeworded, and he didn't feel like they were supposed to be having a normal conversation. He didn't want to, either. The rules were...safe. He didn't have to speak. And if he didn't have to speak, he didn't have to apologise for being a fucking idiot baby. And if Arden hated it, he could safeword too, because he'd safeworded last time when he felt uncomfortable.