Falling Falling Stars

21 - Voice

I am practicing escapism through writing and sometimes eating chicken Twisties (if you're not Australian, you won't understand, but they're SO GOOD).

*

'Hiya, are you lost? Or new?' A young woman stopped next to him, maybe a couple of years younger than him. Efnisien stood nervously on the steps in front of the theatre, his thumbs stuck in his pockets because he'd already chewed one to hell and back. He stared at her and felt like he was swallowing down so many shitty fucking memories of what he'd done to other people that he forgot how to inhale.

He made a faint, questioning sound that was about as panicked as he felt.

'New?' she said, smiling at him. Efnisien nodded once.

Don't stand near me. I hurt people.

'Come on!' she said. 'You'll be fine. Everyone's super friendly, and a lot of us still get really nervous before rehearsals and definitely before performances. I'm Rebecca, by the way.'

'Efnisien,' he said, feeling like he was choking on his own voice, even though he knew he sounded almost normal.

'Oh, is that like, Finnish or something?'

'Welsh,' Efnisien said.

Don't hurt her, don't hurt her. Have you ever hurt anyone named Rebecca? Don't fucking think about it.

She stared at him in that way that made it clear that she didn't really know where 'Welsh' was from, and Efnisien didn't have the heart to explain it to her. All too soon she was smiling at him again and walking forwards, expecting him to follow her.

He was imagining grabbing her from behind and getting a foot into the back of her leg, slamming into it so that she collapsed forwards into the brick steps. He would pin his knee in her lower back, reach his hands around and hurt her. He would. And then she'd go silent or she'd scream, there was never much of a middle ground. And if she screamed, he'd slap her or cover her mouth and do as much damage as he could before he pushed her away, threatening her with the weight of his wealth, power, his family. All things he didn't have anymore. But she didn't know that. She didn't have to know that.

His breaths were so weak and shallow, she looked at him and smiled sympathetically. He wanted to grab her and shake her hard and yell at her to run the fuck away. God, he should never be trusted around other people, ever. He didn't know why he was this way. But he couldn't stop seeing it. He couldn't stop feeling it in his hands, the shape of her breast, her belly, the warmth that existed between her legs.

Noise slammed into him when he got into the large foyer. People were mingling, Efnisien caught sight of a lot of people with bright coloured hair, or unconventional hairstyles, or bright clothing, among people who looked way more fucking conservative. He caught hints of extremely camp voices, and a lot of swearing, and he heard a lot of laughter, sometimes whole groups laughing at once, and he didn't belong here.

He'd never belong here, or in any group. He'd never belonged in groups. Crielle said he shouldn't join any, that he didn't have that kind of personality, and he was really fucking feeling the truth of that.

'Oh?' a voice cut through the din. Efnisien realised from the brightness of that single syllable that it was Teddy-Don't-Call-Me-Theodore. 'He came?'

Efnisien turned in alarm and saw a surprisingly staid, short man, wearing tweed and a red tie. He looked like he was in his fifties. He came over and looked Efnisien up and down, and in that moment Efnisien was aware that some of the others were also looking at him.

God, he did not want to do this.

So. Fuck YOU, Dr Gary.

'Efnisien,' Teddy said, finally smiling at him. Efnisien nodded and Teddy's face creased. Efnisien was already worried he'd done something wrong.