Falling Falling Stars

34 - Misunderstood

Notes: While Gwyn doesn't know he's doing this, I'm adding a warning for gaslighting and ace-phobia in this chapter. Also: Mild description of upset stomach symptoms (diarrhea) because you know, it's a miracle we haven't had that yet.

*

The next morning, Efnisien sat at his desk and pretended to work when Gwyn knocked and let himself in. Efnisien was used to keeping the door unlocked for him, though that morning it had taken a stupid amount of energy to just stand up, walk to the door, click the lock, and walk back again. He stared blankly at his computer screen and waited. His stomach churned and churned. A couple of times he wondered if he had food poisoning, but he probably didn't.

He'd felt like this enough to know it was almost never food poisoning.

He'd spent most of the night before so lost in intrusive thoughts – mainly of Berdella – that he'd only come out long enough to move from the couch to his bed. His brain didn't show him as the serial killer, it didn't show him as the criminal, he wasn't the one committing the crimes.

Efnisien realised he kind of preferred it when he was, even if it did make him feel gross. Because there were no words for how he felt when his mind kept stabbing into his brain with images of what it'd be like if he was a victim.

When Gwyn entered, he was twitchier than usual. He placed a novel on the history of dragon folklore on the table instead of handing it to Efnisien directly. Efnisien looked at him, feeling as though he looked far more idle than he felt. Gwyn looked all around the apartment, like he was trying to find evidence of whatever crime Efnisien must have committed to make him want to not see Gwyn for two weeks.

Efnisien's chest was cold, his gut tumbled, he was wearing a long-sleeved shirt and the grey jumper because he didn't want to see Gwyn's reaction to the pale blue one. He wore socks and sneakers because his feet were cold. His knuckles ached.

Gwyn looked at the bookshelf, the table, then back to the bookshelf.

'Where's the book I got you?' he said sharply.

Efnisien stared down at the table. He could lie and say it was in his room, but he was tired of lying. He waited for the part of him that would say something angry or snarky, but that part of him seemed to have died.

'Um,' he said, tabbing idly across Firefox as he stared at all the anthropology research he'd been doing. 'Actually, it was kind of too dense for me to manage, and um, I did try reading it but couldn't. So I passed it onto my friend. My boyfriend. Because he said he'd take it.'

'Boyfriend?'

Efnisien's eyes dragged to Gwyn's face, and he wished, he just wished that Gwyn would hit him. Because that would be easier. Having been beaten recently, and in Hillview, and having to deal with this now, he was pretty sure he knew which one he preferred.

'Yeah,' Efnisien said.

'I don't think that's- Does Dr Gary know?'

'Yeah.'

'A boyfriend,' Gwyn said.

'I mean I was gay for you most of my fucking life, so why is it such a surprise?' Efnisien said, his voice empty.

Gwyn's expression shifted so many times, and Efnisien couldn't properly figure out most of what he was seeing, he knew at least one of them was rage and another was indignation, and the rest were probably varying degrees of confused. He could almost imagine Gwyn trying to work out a diplomatic way of asking if Efnisien was just straight up raping a guy and calling it a relationship.

Efnisien pushed his laptop back and wished Gwyn would talk about his own life.

'You mostly attacked women,' Gwyn said.