Falling Falling Stars

19 - Illogical

You know what it's time for? It's time for Dr Gary! YooOOOOOo

*

'I patted a dog!' Efnisien said.

He didn't even wait before Dr Gary had finished sitting down in his chair.

'I patted her and I didn't even hurt her,' Efnisien said, digging his heels down into the floorboards. 'And I kind of had a panic attack when I met her but then Arden put her outside and she's like really well-trained and then I got to pet her and...'

At once he felt like he slammed into a brick wall. He didn't like the sensation. Dr Gary tilted his head at him.

'What is it?' Dr Gary said.

'Do you ever just listen to yourself and realise how...pathetic your life is?' Efnisien said, deflating so quickly it left him feeling dizzy. He'd had a really good weekend, hardly any tallies on the whiteboard even on Sunday. Now that he was here on Monday afternoon, now that he'd listened to his own excitement about petting Isabelle, he realised he was...

...Whatever he was, he didn't like it.

'Is that how you feel about your life?' Dr Gary said.

'Classic Dr Gary,' Efnisien said drily, remembering that reality still existed and the next hour was going to be a giant pain in his ass. 'I really did get to pet her though. Arden like, kept his hand on mine, and I thought that I could hurt her, like I knew I could do it, but I didn't want to.'

'That sounds like an incredible experience,' Dr Gary said with genuine warmth. God, Efnisien hoped it was genuine. 'You've had to avoid dogs for years, haven't you? What was different about this dog?'

'Her name's Isabelle,' Efnisien said firmly. 'And, I don't know. Arden could send her away from me and she went. Like, he saw how I reacted and I said I had to leave because I was sure I'd hurt his dog, and instead he just put her outside and said I couldn't hurt her if she was outside.'

'That sounds like good problem solving,' Dr Gary said, leaning back in his armchair. 'Do you want to tell me about how things have been since our last session?'

Efnisien nodded, then hesitated. After a minute of thinking it over, he decided to tell Dr Gary about going to Arden's place. It was hard trying to explain that it was a big deal that he got to watch television, while also trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal at all. He was trying to ride the line between not seeming sad and pathetic and stupid and knowing he was all of those things and he was in therapy partly because he was so useless at pretending to be a human being.

'I'd like to circle back on something,' Dr Gary said. 'You said that Arden seemed annoyed that Mika had brought him up by name in session. He was right to be annoyed. Arden may have a public persona or a reputation, but he should have had a choice in sharing when you found out about that personal information. Certainly, it should not have been revealed so explicitly and quickly in a private session in the way that it was. Mika would have apologised more thoroughly, but you were already in the midst of an intrusive thought and we decided it would be better if you could debrief with me, afterwards.'

'But...' Efnisien frowned. 'I don't know. What Mika said made it easier to like, believe that Arden's okay.'

Dr Gary grimaced. 'That's part of the problem, I'm afraid. Don't misunderstand me, I think your connection to Arden is meaningful and important, and has been – at least so far – good for you from what you've told me. However, you shouldn't be learning to trust people based on authority figures telling you who is trustworthy. Part of the work we do here, is ensuring you have the skills to know who is trustworthy yourself. Not only that, but Mika only knows Arden in his professional capacity, that is not the same as knowing him behind closed doors.'