Falling Falling Stars

41 - Lludd

Notes: I have been sitting on some of these memories of Efnisien's for such a long time now. Anyway, please take care of yourselves.

Lex parsimoniae refers to the Law of Parsimony which is just a really fancy way of saying Occam's Razor, which is the theory that the simplest conclusion is usually correct.

*

'What makes you think you're having hallucinations?' Dr Gary said.

'I mean what makes you think I'm not having them?' Efnisien countered. 'It's just, like, all my life with Lludd, I was sure he didn't do anything to me. And now I keep getting these weird visions of things. And it's snapshots, and I know they connect to bigger – well I guess maybe they're not memories at all... And it just seems like- Maybe it's fake. Maybe it's not real. Lludd hurt Gwyn, not me.'

'Well, we know that's not true,' Dr Gary said, watching Efnisien closely.

'But you don't know. You just have what I say to go on. I could be making stuff up. Hallucinating things. I have the intrusive thoughts, right? And they're like hallucinations. So- Like- Maybe I'm doing it to get sympathy. Do you think I'm doing it to get sympathy?'

'Are you telling people about these memories?' Dr Gary said softly. 'Are you getting sympathy?'

'I mean I don't really talk about my past, because it's bullshit,' Efnisien said, his fingers digging into the armrests again. 'But I could like... I could talk about it.'

'You said that these potential memories or hallucinations are all about Lludd? Do you want to share one of them with me?'

'No,' Efnisien said, pulling more tightly into the chair.

'Let's look at it this way. If it's a hallucination, it can be good to talk about their content in order to figure out what might be going on, what your brain is trying to express through the hallucination. You don't show any signs of the kinds of schizotypal or schizoaffective behaviours in assessments that indicate hallucinations are this sort of pathway for you, so I feel we can safely rule that out. If it's a memory or a flashback, it can be good to talk about why you're convinced it's a hallucination.'

It all sounded pretty goddamn dubious, and Efnisien grabbed at his hair briefly. He stared at the glass of water that Dr Gary provided for him, because Efnisien didn't break glasses anymore. He tried to imagine himself doing it, but it seemed like such a juvenile thing to do. He supposed it was.

Instead he lay his head on his knee and wondered if this was juvenile too. Maybe one day he'd look back on how he was behaving in this moment, and hate himself for being such an idiot.

He thought about talking about how Lludd behaved when it was just the two of them in the car, but there was another thing bugging him, lurking in the back of his mind. Just glancing at it made his whole body feel cold, and he wished he had another jumper, or a coat or something. Maybe Arden's scarf. He'd stopped wearing it, but he should've brought it with him.

He could tell Dr Gary was feeling doubtful about whether he was having hallucinations at all, so if Efnisien picked that memory then surely Dr Gary would understand how batshit insane it was and accept they were hallucinations and tell him that most of his past was made up for attention.

He'd made it up, and that was something to worry about, but it wouldn't be as bad as if it were all real in the first place.

'You've often said that Lludd hated you,' Dr Gary said, his voice modulated and careful. 'Do you want to talk about that?'

'There was like this one thing, this one thing that I'm sure- I don't know. I don't like thinking about it. Because- It's just...'

'Take your time,' Dr Gary said.