Falling Falling Stars

10 - Tantrum

'After yesterday's events, how did last night go?' Dr Gary said, after Efnisien had detailed a lengthy description of the events of the day before.

Efnisien drummed his feet on the floor and stared at the clock impatiently.

'I dunno,' Efnisien said, feeling agitated. 'It's crazy, right? Am I going nuts? Like...'

'You don't know how you were last night?' Dr Gary said, with a steady patience that was so at odds with Efnisien's energy, he threw himself back in the chair and scratched at the end of the armrest.

Since the day before, he'd not been able to stop thinking about the Uncosy Book Corner. He couldn't get it out of his head that Arden was into that kind of stuff. He accepted a hug from the dude. Did that mean he thought Arden was like Crielle? Maybe, unconsciously, he was trying to find someone worse than her.

He kept feeling Arden's hands sliding around him, felt them on his torso, around his sides, moving onto his back and it was so disarming. No matter what he started thinking about, Arden's hands were there, like he was hugging him all over again.

'Do you think,' Efnisien said, 'that I want to like- That I want to find someone like her?'

Don't bring her up. If you open the door, Dr Gary's gonna thunder through it like a fucking horse hopped up on steroids.

'I mean,' Efnisien said quickly, cutting across Dr Gary opening his mouth. 'Last night was fine. I read the book. I transcribed some stuff. I stayed up late. I made like, like...eight tallies on the whiteboard.'

'What were the intrusive thoughts around?' Dr Gary asked.

'Berdella,' Efnisien said shortly. He hated Berdella.

And then he sat there with his back against the chair and felt his whole mind go blank.

He...didn't hate serial killers. They were his heroes. He idolised them. He read Berdella's torture and murder logs to fall asleep sometimes when he'd been a child. As a teenager, he had sections of it memorised.

'Were the intrusive thoughts arousing?' Dr Gary said.

Efnisien could suddenly see it so clearly. He could see what Dr Gary had been driving towards all this time. It scooped into him and pulled out something so important it could have been an organ. It felt so vital that Efnisien didn't think he was even a person in the room anymore. He was just nothing.

'I think I hate them,' Efnisien said, digging his fingers into the armrest. 'I think.'

Dr Gary said nothing and Efnisien sat there thinking that something was wrong. Really, really fucking wrong.

'I think?' Efnisien said, his voice weaker. 'That's...'

Dr Gary said nothing. He didn't even ask for a fucking number. Efnisien hated it more than anything. Whatever was going on, Dr Gary obviously thought it was important enough to say nothing for. Efnisien glared at him, wished for that burst of rage that would make him fly out of his chair and do something awful. Venomous, spiky anger whirled inside of him, tore him up, then vanished.

And his thoughts were still the same.

'Good old Bobby Berdella,' Efnisien whispered, staring down at his knees. 'The stuff he used to do...'

'Were you thinking about that last night, Efnisien?'

'Yeah,' Efnisien said, feeling sick. 'He liked all that bondage shit, you know. Arden said it's not wrong. But it is. It is, right? Those people are fucked up.'