Falling Falling Stars

12 - Sparklers

Notes: Graphic vomiting. Intrusive thoughts as per usual. Mention of past suicide. Also Arden's entire backstory, because unlike Efnisien, Arden just rips that shit off like a Band-Aid.

*

Efnisien picked at his grilled fish with his fingers, because there were no utensils, because it turned out they were eating in Arden's car.

It was partly Efnisien's fault. They'd gotten to the fish and chips shop, which wasn't a restaurant, or even a café, but literally a place where people ordered their food and stood around waiting for stuff that came out either wrapped in butcher's paper or thin card boxes and Efnisien realised it was like street food but not fancy. The idea of standing in there for fifteen minutes waiting for food while people randomly walked in and out, made him freeze up.

'Thing is,' Efnisien said, when he'd realised what the place was like, pressing back into the seat like he could vanish into it. The car was so much warmer now. Arden cranked the heater, stripped down to only a shirt – his arms were pretty muscular – and then stared at Efnisien in amazement when he'd kept on the scarf and his jumper and enjoyed the heat the entire five minutes there. 'Thing is I kind of, like, until I went into your bookstore, I basically hadn't gone anywhere except my appointments for a few years. So like, I have ah, I guess what Dr Gary calls moderate agoraphobia.'

Efnisien listened to himself and rolled his eyes.

'God, I'm such a wanker,' he added. 'Look, you don't have to-'

'It's normal to eat this stuff in the car when the weather's like this,' Arden said. 'There's no reason for us both to wait in there. You want me to come back with a menu?'

'I'm not hungry,' Efnisien said. 'Get whatever you want.'

Arden squinted at him, then got out of the car and left him in there, in the heat, like it was – again – bizarrely easy to do.

Now, Arden ate battered fish and chips with his fingers, leaning against his seat. He dipped each of his chips generously into the tartare sauce, and had stolen Efnisien's little plastic cup, because Efnisien didn't see himself eating it.

'I've gotta ask,' Arden said, swallowing down the rest of a chip. 'Is it an eating disorder? Or something else?'

'Something else,' Efnisien said. The fish was actually okay. Like, it was fucking hammered. But it was salty and it was the richest food he'd eaten in maybe a year and a half. That made him fear what his guts might do to him later. It didn't taste super oily, but it was just so rich. It wasn't anything like oatmeal or walnuts.

'Can't tolerate fats and stuff?' Arden said.

'I dunno, it's unpredictable. I eat like, small meals, and stay away from too much oil and sugar and stuff. And dairy. And I dunno, basically anything that has flavour.'

'Oh shit,' Arden said. His mouth was already full with a giant piece of battered fish.

'I know right?' Efnisien muttered. Arden had bought him a side salad, and Efnisien ate the cherry tomatoes. He picked up each one and popped it in his mouth, between his teeth. They were bright red and shiny, but they popped like flesh, and Efnisien thought of eyeballs bursting viscously in his mouth, the goop sliding over his tongue like viscera. He swallowed the seeds, disgusted and thrilled.

Arden insisted on paying, and Efnisien knew the right thing to do would be to give him money. But doing that would hurt his bank account. So he decided he'd buy an extra book some time to make up for it. But that probably wouldn't make up for it. Maybe he could bring Arden something to eat at the bookstore.