Falling Falling Stars

37 - Sunday

Choir practice came and went. Efnisien waited in the toilet because he arrived five minutes early and he didn't want to mingle. He didn't want to wait outside the building in case Bridge wanted to smoke and saw him and thought he was stalking her or pressuring her or something. Waiting in the toilet was convenient because his stomach was cramping anyway. During rehearsal, Anthony got on his case twice for singing timidly and said he was getting 'lost' in the music.

'It's not like you, Efnisien, lift your voice up a bit more.'

Efnisien felt Bridge looking at him sometimes, refused to look at her, and thought if he opened his mouth to do anything other than sing, a mass of blood was going to fall out and splatter onto the floor. So he nodded at everything Anthony said, tried better, still did badly, and then booked it out of there as soon as rehearsal was over. The last thing he heard was Anthony calling his name probably to tell him to do better next time.

It was awful, basically. But he did it. He went. And maybe he'd go on Wednesday or something. If Bridge wanted to tell him to never come back, she could do that whenever she wanted. Hell, they had his number, she could tell Anthony and Anthony could text him and she wouldn't even need to talk to him.

Now he was in Arden's car, it was Sunday morning, and he'd been too nervous to eat. He'd felt fine about the document they'd discussed, about what they'd talked about, and now he felt like he was going to fucking hyperventilate.

He sat stiffly and listened to the music and recognised some of the songs from the previous times he'd been in Arden's car. Arden sang along like the first time, and would probably do pretty well in the choir. Eventually his easy singing and the fact that he didn't seem to be freaking out at all helped a little, and Efnisien sat there with his hands too stiff in his lap thinking that maybe it wouldn't be terrifying, but he was definitely going to make so many mistakes that Arden would regret everything.

When they pulled into Arden's driveway, Efnisien sat there staring ahead blankly and thinking that maybe he just liked going through documents about highly speculative subjects and the reality was he didn't want to do anything.

'Come on,' Arden said, opening his car door.

'Uh huh,' Efnisien managed, his voice higher than normal.

When they walked into Arden's house, Isabelle was there, wiggling all over, and then after Arden rubbed vigorously at her head and ears and neck, he sent her to the mat. He walked into the kitchen, washed his hands, then pulled out two glasses. That felt so normal that Efnisien managed to draw a breath that didn't feel strangled.

'On a scale of one to ten, how much are you freaking out right now?' Arden said conversationally.

'Jesus fuck,' Efnisien breathed. 'Like a...seventy.'

Arden laughed, and he left the empty glasses on the counter and came back and stood in front of Efnisien. 'We don't have to do this today. Or ever. But I also want to say that some nerves are normal. Normally I'd call it off with someone this freaked out, but you're coming into this from such a warped background I just...wonder if it's worth showing you some of it so you can understand it better and downgrade to more regular nervousness. But again, we don't have to do this today.'

'I don't think that's going to help,' Efnisien admitted. 'M'probably just going to get worse the longer we put it off.'

'Yeah, I wondered that too,' Arden said, reaching out and taking Efnisien's hand in his. 'I have a few questions then. I was thinking of working out here in the lounge, since that's familiar for you. Do you mind if Isabelle is in the kitchen on her mat?'