Falling Falling Stars

14 - Patterns

Note: It's amazing how people who start out good for us, can turn into...not that. Also Gwyn's in this chapter.

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Efnisien took the book Gwyn placed on the table. It was black and grey and it was about astrophysics. Efnisien flicked through it and saw that it was dense, there were even sections filled with formulae and he felt a spike of excitement. This wasn't pop science or armchair science, it was an actual textbook, probably university level. He knew from visiting the Cosy Book Corner that it would've been expensive.

'Where'd you find it?' Efnisien said, walking over to the desk and sitting down, staring at the tiny font. This'd keep him going for a few days.

'Gulvi's university was having a book sale, and I decided to take a look.'

Efnisien nodded. He forced himself to close the book as Gwyn looked around. Efnisien felt nervous having him there. He wanted to say he'd been diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder, but then Gwyn would ask him why, and Efnisien didn't want to talk about it. He wanted to say they had something else in common, aside from being related, and both of them having blond hair and blue eyes.

'You've gotten some more books,' Gwyn said.

'Yep,' Efnisien said. 'I, um. I made a friend. At the bookstore. We hung out.'

See? See, I can do it. I can do things. I don't just have to stab animals and people.

Gwyn's expression stilled and he looked past Efnisien for a long moment. Finally, he looked at Efnisien and his expression was grim.

'Don't hurt them.'

It was like the feeling of running down stairs, but misplacing his foot and having to take two at a time by accident, landing so hard his entire leg jarred. For a minute, Efnisien couldn't think. When he could, he stared at the table and thought Gwyn had meant it as an insult. And then he realised that's just what Gwyn thought. It wasn't an insult, it was the most natural thing Gwyn had to say in response to Efnisien meeting someone.

Don't hurt them.

'Right,' Efnisien said, laughing to himself. 'Yeah.'

'I mean it, Efnisien,' Gwyn said. 'I'm glad you've made a friend. Make sure you don't lose the progress you've made.'

Even Dr Gary never talked to him that way.

You're not my fucking therapist, Efnisien thought. And Gwyn wasn't his jailor, or his keeper, and Efnisien sat there and felt numb. He traced his finger along the spine of the astrophysics book and felt a clamour of noise in his head.

He remembered once, putting broken glass in Gwyn's shoes. At the time, he thought he was being particularly clever. He didn't know why he had such a thing for hurting Gwyn's feet, given he didn't care about them the rest of the time. It was probably because he liked that Gwyn couldn't walk for a little while afterwards. Gwyn had to lay in bed, and Efnisien could visit him and Gwyn couldn't leave.

He remembered how it felt to scatter the broken glass, and he cut himself twice because he was a fucking idiot about it, and the third time he cut himself because it was so fascinating to him that the glass wouldn't seem harmful at all until he found the right angle. He remembered sucking on his cut fingers and hoping he'd swallow slivers of glass, and he imagined them moving through his body, invisibly cutting through him until he vomited blood everywhere. It'd spray over everyone. Maybe even Crielle. And she'd stare at him in horror and he'd smile and blood would be all over his teeth.

Gwyn realised the broken glass was there and tipped it out. Efnisien retaliated that night by punching Gwyn in the gut while he slept. And then Gwyn – angry and old enough to fight back – wrestled Efnisien to the ground and pinned him, while Efnisien laughed and laughed.