Falling Falling Stars

42 - Starved

Notes: It's been a hot minute because much like Efnisien, my mental health is sometimes terribad. BUT! Here we are, with another chapter I have Strong Feelings (TM) about and I hope y'all can share in them with me. Also Arden's here, because we need some Arden.

*

Efnisien felt an actual sense of relief once he stepped into Arden's home, even if he didn't know what they'd be doing today.

The last two days after therapy had been heavy, mostly filled with sleeping. He'd woken on Saturday night long enough to feel guilty for not going to choir, imagining the way Bridge had looked at him from the theatre hall where they sung, and then fell asleep once more. The moments when he was too tired to do much more than lay in bed, but couldn't sleep, he and Arden had engaged in small chat exchanges. Enough that Arden knew Efnisien had a hard therapy session, though Efnisien couldn't bring himself to say why.

'Today's going to look simple,' Arden said quietly. He was wearing a terrible shirt that he managed to make look good, somehow. A bright red short-sleeved monstrosity that was form-fitting, with a deliberately crooked bow-tie printed at the collar in shiny black ink. On the back it said, Too Classy For You in Comic Sans, which Efnisien thought made the shirt illegal. Where did he even find them? 'But if it's not, or you find it too much, use one of your words, okay?'

'I mean you basically said last time was simple,' Efnisien said, looking at Isabelle, who was staring at him from where she stood beside Arden's leg, her tail wagging furiously.

He imagined that he was the kind of person who could bend down and hold his hand out, and she'd come over and sniff his fingers, and then he'd pat her head, and that would be it. That would be all.

But even standing there, even wanting to be able to pet her so badly and thinking that maybe he could do it, he kept seeing ghosts of what he'd done to other dogs. It didn't seem fair that she'd regard him with that happy, bright face, after everything he'd done. There was no way to explain to her that she shouldn't trust him. She just did.

He didn't want to ever put her in danger, and so he didn't bend down and hold his hand out. Just in case.

He didn't think he was a threat to dogs anymore, but why risk it?

'I did say that,' Arden said, smiling. 'And I didn't say today would be simple, I said it would look simple. Today's going to be challenging.'

Efnisien looked at Arden in alarm, and Arden's smile didn't change.

'Dr Gary- I mean Dr Gary kind of said I shouldn't do anything too tiring.'

'Mm, I know,' Arden said, walking into the kitchen and getting two glasses out of the cabinet like he always did. 'I'm glad you're reminding me of that. I'll be keeping a close eye on you, and it's one of those... I have a feeling that today will be challenging and then might become relaxing? I don't know. This is why we have safewords, while I'm still getting to know how you react to things. And we don't have to do anything at all today. We can like...hang out, watch TV.'

'No, I- I want to,' Efnisien said softly, looking down.

It was embarrassing to say that much, and even that hid how much he found himself stumbling across thinking about what they did last Sunday. How many times he'd thought of kneeling in his own stupid fucking apartment.

'Yeah?' Arden said, his voice gaining that tone to it, the one that made Efnisien simultaneously go on high alert and feel like he was caught out and under some kind of spotlight. 'You like what we do together already, baby? You can tell me you do.'

'That's- You're- So unfair,' he managed.

'I know,' Arden said, and Efnisien looked up to see the way Arden was smiling at him. 'Don't get me wrong, I love when people can just straight up say they love it, but there's something pretty delicious about someone who knows they want it, but are touched by enough shame that it kills them to say they enjoy it.'