Falling Falling Stars

67 - Exploration

Note: Thanks for reading! <3

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'I mean, ultimately it went better than it normally did,' Efnisien said quietly, after having talked about Gwyn's visit with Dr Gary. 'Gwyn said we can go to six or eight weeks; he didn't fight back on that. And with everything else like...who can blame him, right? I used to want him to think I was capable of killing people. I always pretended I was doing way more than I was doing when I talked to him. Like, I would send him photos of hurt animals I found on the internet that looked like, y'know, home-grown photos I could've taken.'

'While it's true that you lied to him then, you are within your rights to correct those lies now and give Gwyn the truth at a time when you feel ready,' Dr Gary said. 'You're correct in your assessment, however. The visit did go well for where you're both at right now, but it did come at the high cost of you concealing a great deal of yourself from him. But I don't think that's necessarily unhealthy. Until you know Gwyn's capable of respecting your boundaries and your truths, you don't have to share anything with him, especially if you're concerned about how he might react.'

'It's so funny, you know, how he always goes through my stuff.'

'Funny how?'

Like it's not really funny at all. Efnisien shrugged. 'It sucks.'

Dr Gary nodded, but he didn't say anything. When Gwyn went through Efnisien's laptop, Dr Gary said it was a way of violating boundaries, keeping Efnisien on the back foot. Efnisien didn't even know if Gwyn knew he was doing it. But he wasn't going to be the one to point out how much he hated it. That would be pretty hypocritical.

Oh so hey, cousin, I'm noticing you're going through my stuff, and I don't like it, shame you couldn't stop me from torturing you. Efnisien wanted to roll his eyes at himself.

'I had flashbacks the other night with Arden,' Efnisien said, staring down at his hands. 'Of hurting those girls. They felt like flashbacks. Can I flashback that stuff?'

'Of course,' Dr Gary said. 'If your fear was intense enough during what you were experiencing – even when you were inflicting something terrible upon someone else – traumatic memories can be created.'

'But why should I be afraid? Like, I don't get it. I hurt them, not the other way around.'

'You might like to consider who had strong input into your actions, and the consequences of not following through on those actions. I don't think you were afraid of those girls, Efnisien. I think you were afraid of someone else.'

'But she...she like, loved me.'

'You loved Gwyn, and you still hurt him,' Dr Gary said calmly. 'One doesn't preclude the other.'

Efnisien knew that was true, and he sat there feeling cold, wondering if the heating was broken in Dr Gary's office. He was wearing a thinner jumper today, that was a mistake.

'When I have the memories...' Efnisien said, 'I'm not thinking about her. I'm like- I'm afraid of what I'm doing. I'm not having flashbacks of Crielle, but like, of me being... Acting like that. Doing those things. Hurting them. Maybe it's intrusive memories or something instead?'

'Maybe,' Dr Gary said. 'In cases like this, the terminology doesn't always matter as much as how you feel about the experience. It's obvious you find those memories highly disturbing and disruptive. What brought them about when you were with Arden?'

Efnisien blushed, withdrawing into the seat a bit more. 'I don't know if this is Mika stuff, maybe you don't want to talk about it.'

'Firstly,' Dr Gary said, 'I am happy to talk about whatever you wish to talk about. Secondly, I didn't refer you to Mika because I didn't want to talk to you about certain subjects, but because I thought Mika might be more helpful when it comes to alternative lifestyles, specifically kink, since he's addressed it through the lens of academic psychology in a positive and healthful way. If you want to talk with me about your relationship with Arden, you're more than welcome to. Or we can organise another appointment with Mika if you like? Maybe something one-on-one?'