Falling Falling Stars

50 - Remorse

Note: Chapter 50! My god. A huge thank you to everyone who has come along on the journey this far.

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Hey, Efnisien typed, staring intently at his phone and feeling like his hands were shaking even though they weren't.

Then he stopped and stared at the ceiling. It was Monday night, he was seeing Dr Gary the next day. He'd spent Sunday at Arden's, watching a new season of Great British Bake Off, getting way too invested in both the people and the things they were making. The show made him kind of hungry. That was good, because Arden made chocolate chip cookies and then a mild curry thing that was amazing.

He'd thought it would be awkward at Arden's, not having a scene together, but then he realised there were a lot of things he liked about spending time with Arden. Watching TV with Arden idly petting him, or both of them chatting, or talking about their favourite contestants, was all stuff he enjoyed.

He came so close to being able to pat Isabelle, but chickened out at the last minute. He thought maybe he'd actually be able to do pet her again one day. The memory of the texture of her fur against his hand was so vivid, and she'd been newly clipped this time, so he wanted to see how different she'd feel. She looked so velvety.

Efnisien deleted his message and started again.

I was wondering if we could go about another two weeks before catching up, Efnisien wrote. Yeah, he was definitely feeling shaky. I know it stresses you out, and I'm sorry, but I think things are going okay and I'm not asking for this because I want to hurt anyone.

Efnisien took a slow breath that was supposed to be deep, but was still shallow. He forced himself up from the couch and paced. After a while, he stared at a patch on the floor, then looked at one of his cushions. It wasn't really flat enough. Or square enough. He'd probably slip off if he knelt on it.

Also what the fuck was he thinking? Kneeling on the floor wasn't going to make him feel better.

'Come the fuck on,' he muttered to himself.

He stared at what he'd written, then forced himself to sit at the table.

Look, I get that I've been the worst to you, all your life. And that I haven't helped things lately either. And I know apologising doesn't make up for any of it, but I am sorry. For all of it. You were supposed to have a normal and good childhood, and I was a big reason for you not having that. And I know I should say this in person, and I will one day, but right now I just don't know that I'm not going to become a giant stressed dickface when we're face to face.

He thought about apologising for how he'd treated Augus, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Not when thinking about him still made a bitter well of thorns open up inside. Not yet.

As it was, his words were stupid. He knew they were stupid.

Anyway, I think we should start maybe going a bit longer before you come over. It's not like you get a ton of out visiting me, and I'm starting to have something in my life and sometimes I feel like I'm never going to change when you come over. That's not your fault, but I need to feel like I can change if I want to keep changing. So, let me know what's good for you.

He typed in a black heart emoji, then deleted it, then typed it, then deleted it.

Then he typed it back in and sent the message. He threw down his phone on the table like it was poisonous and walked away from the desk straight into his bedroom, where he flopped dramatically onto his bed and made a strangled sound into his blankets.