Falling Falling Stars

44 - Liar

Notes: Content warning for suicidal ideation

*

Monday, Efnisien woke from fitful sleep feeling as numb and lost inside as he had during the worst months of staying at Hillview. He opened his eyes to the certainty that he didn't deserve to be alive, let alone have anything good, and he thought about all the things he was allowing himself – Arden, better food, Dr Gary, a job he liked, books he enjoyed – and he thought that just because there wasn't a law against it, didn't mean it wasn't still criminal for him to enjoy those things after everything he'd done.

Once, he'd asked Dr Gary if he should go straight to jail.

'Should I just go to the cops and confess?' he'd said.

That was back in Hillview, when he was in the uncomfortable blue chair that tons of other kids had also used, some of them being the ones that had beaten him unconscious in the showers as a warm welcome aboard.

He'd been feeling uncommonly cooperative that day, but he remembered still thinking every minute or so about the different ways he could kill Dr Gary, and how fucking stupid Dr Gary was for sitting there without a weapon in his hands, or a Perspex window between them, or something. What an idiot.

'Cuz like, all this froufrou bullshit seems like, I dunno, fucking bullshit,' Efnisien had said scathingly. 'Maybe I should be in prison for a really fucking long time.'

'Two things,' Dr Gary said calmly. 'All of your crimes were committed when you were a juvenile, and due to mitigating factors in your childhood, there's a high likelihood you'd be tried as a child and not an adult. At most, you would have spent time in a juvenile facility, with an expunged record and freedom soon after. Which doesn't sound like what you're aiming for. The second, what do you think prison will teach you?'

'It won't teach me dick. It will put me away. Where I belong. They should bring back capital punishment! That's what they should do. Wouldn't that be like... I mean what a fucking awesome way to go. Fuck.'

Dr Gary's expression didn't change at all.

Now, as Efnisien lay in bed staring emptily up at the ceiling, he realised Dr Gary probably showed a lot less of his reactions back then to hold off the times Efnisien got mad at him for simply raising his eyebrows.

But Efnisien thought overall, he deserved to be killed. But in lieu of that, he deserved to be put in jail, so he'd have no choice but to feel miserable forever. It wouldn't be enough, but it would be something.

Dr Gary had brought up the concept of penance, even back then, and Efnisien had lost his shit, because that had sounded like Efnisien was trying to do something not awful. And he was awful.

That was definitely how he felt this morning.

He lay there for hours until he checked his email to see if he had anything from Professor Adayemi. As his phone lit up, there was a message from Arden on the screen.

Hey, hey, sweetheart! How're you doing after yesterday? Nadiya's win was so awesome, right? Let me know how you're feeling.

Efnisien stared at the message for a long time.

They'd watched several hours of Great British Bake Off afterwards – until the season finished – and Efnisien had blanked out, then focused as hard as he could on the characters, because something was wrong in his body and in his mind. He couldn't think of anything worse than rewarding all of Arden's care and attention and generosity with that.

Normally he was bad at hiding stuff, but it'd reminded him of the times when he felt miserable at home. If he was going to be Crielle's, and if he was going to be looked after by her, he had to be happy. He had to smile and be cheerful because Crielle was around and he was always, always grateful for her. No matter what.