Seasons

23: New Beginnings

But I don't wanna go tonight - Car's Outside

A Z A R I A H     D' A M O R E

I couldn't look at her. Because if I did she'd see that I was crying too.

I still am. So I pull over on the side of the road to cry. It isn't safe to cry and drive at the same time.

My chest feels tight, I can barely breathe. I wanted this. And I know everything will be fine the moment I step foot in a new state and a new school. But right now- I feel so broken.

Tears stream down my face, running away from my eyes, racing each other.

I wipe my tears every second. I'm staring at the same photo on my lock screen, the same one that I keep because of how beautiful she looks.

Her hair cascades down her back as she looks over her shoulder to look at me. Her smile shines so god damn fucking bright. I catch myself smiling, I use my free hand to cover my mouth. My heart hurts.

It hurts, so much.

I can't even imagine how she feels. I feel so sorry.

My hand with the phone drops into my lap as I rest my head against the headrest. Staring into the darkness. Silence fills the car.

I look over to the passenger seat, the seat where she'd be if we carpooled together. I try to swallow the lump that stays in my throat, it pokes me, and it hurts. A sad smile dances across my lips as I close my eyes and imagine her. As I imagine being without her.

I've been by her side for so long. But at some point, we all need new beginnings and this is mine that I'm taking a step into.

I wipe my tears away one last time and start up the car again and make my way home to pack my bags.

*****

"You made the right choice," the coach says. He pats my back. "I am so excited and so is the team back in New Jersey."

"Really?" I say, there's no doubt he can tell I'm going through shit.

"Hey," he says, grabbing my shoulder and giving it a squeeze. "I know saying goodbye to all you've ever known is hard, but you'll see later on that this was worth it. And you could always come back after, it isn't the end of the world. You got talent, and you need to utilize it. Right now it seems like the end of the world but in the end, it's only the start. Keep your head up, kid."

"Thanks," I say.

"Anyways, I gotta go." The coach says, giving my shoulder one last squeeze. "Your flight to Jersey is in a week. I'll see you soon." He says walking away.

So I stand there. In the middle of an empty office room for coach's who are visiting. In all honesty it's just a room for anyone to use who needs a desk.

I sit down on the chair and bring my hands up to my head. I run both hands through my hair. Yanking it as I breathe hard.

This is it. The final step to taking a step closer to my new beginnings. And I did it.

But I still have a week left here. A week left to soak in the memories, the time, and the heartbreak of not one but two. Athena for one, Kylo and Lina for two. Three people I value the most besides my mom and dad.

Athena, Kylo, and Lina are the three people who've been there for me when no one else has. My circle. My friends. My best— friends.

I know I may seem dramatic but I have no words to back myself up. I've been in this position before when I left my old old high school to transfer to the one where I met Kylo. And leaving the people who I thought were my friends hurt me. I soon found out that leaving would cost me everything. But would give me the truth too.