Seasons

36: run for the hills

Thantophobia (meaning in the term of love)

(n.) the phobia of losing someone you love

A T H E N A    R O S E

The airport has always been intimidating, the walls engraved with art so elegant that it feels wrong to look at it for too long. Having to find your way to your gate or going through TSA feeling like you're a criminal even though you're not. Feeling like the agents will find something and pull you aside.

Thousands of people walk past me, people I don't know, and people living their own lives. People moved in groups like tourist groups exploring New York. They flowed from the check-in desks to the restaurant's bar and their gates, each group heading to their destination.

I never thought about myself being here for a reason other than traveling for vacation.

But here I am. Here because of a choice I made.

He doesn't know I'm coming and he probably should. What would he think of me for not telling him I'm coming? He'd probably try and find an answer to why I'm here. I know he thinks I wouldn't come get him like that, my ego would take the hit.

I've gone farther down this hole than he thinks. I think my pride and ego have gone out the door. I don't care about that anymore. I've dealt with my thoughts and run back and forth already.

I'm ready to stop running and to stop pushing people away because of my issues. My selfishness.

More importantly, I'm ready to start trying.

I know. I know I said go away, go live his life, and not have me hold him back. But I was doing exactly that, telling him these things to make him feel bad and guilty. When in the end I too made myself feel all these things.

I shouldn't have done that and I should've never said any of those things. What point did they make? Nothing.

"I'd like to check in my bag," I smile at the agent of my airline. She nods and asks for confirmation of my flight. "Thank you." I smile and take my ticket.

I tuck a strand of hair behind my ear as I make my way toward TSA the worst thing I hate about the airport. I'm not hiding anything yet I feel like I am.

The anticipation of being scanned is so fucking scary. Especially being pat down.

If someone tells you to listen to your mind over your heart-- don't.

Why choose an option that you'll regret when you can follow your heart and you'll be happy? You can kill two birds with one stone if you follow your heart and lead with it. There will be times when it can hurt you in the end but that's a risk I rather take than live with my running thoughts day and night.

I busy myself at a restaurant near my gate. I've come to the airport three hours early. Scared that I'd miss my flight if I were here too late.

My leg bounces up and down repeatedly, I am so nervous, scared of what he'll think. His reaction.

I tried to stay away for as long as I could handle and in the end, I didn't last long --- for example --- me at the airport. Telling myself to stay away was like me pushing the water back into the ocean trying to keep it from reaching the shore but instead, it runs through my fingers.

There's no point in pushing it back.

I twist my straw in between my fingers as it mixes my drink watching as the ice cube chases one another in circles. This is my life, the ice cube and itself, running in circles.