Story of Destruction and Chaos

Chapter 13

<DESTRUCTION'S POV>

I felt pathetic for crying, but I had to admit that I did feel a little bit better. With my insecurities hitting an all-time high this week, I was seriously anxious all the time.

I wanted to curl up and die. Well, obviously I already did want to do that, and I can't.

So, now all I wanted to do was to just cuddle with Chaos and ignore everything else going on in the world.

I was both too embarrassed and insecure to admit this or say it outloud to anybody, so I just kinda sat around, feeling touch starved.

Right now, Chaos was away with Order for some paperwork business regarding universal balance and some other stuff.

So, I was sitting in the living room, curled in on myself, trying to imagine Chaos' arms wrapped around me once more.

Once again, my thoughts were all dark and confusing and terrible, making me want to escape my body, my brain.

I was practically traumatizing myself with my thoughts. Fun! Make more problems for Chaos to have to deal with.

Do you want to hear a tiny portion of my insecurities?

I was terrified that Chaos would see how much trouble and problem I was, and leave me. Chaos would realize that I wasn't worth the effort of saving from my trauma, past, and idealization. I was scared to lose another piece of my newly found family, like Eta or Star or Forger or Dove. I was anxious that I'd end up all alone. I was doubting that anybody cared about me. I know, Chaos puts in A LOT of work and effort for me, but what if they did it because I was too... pathetic? Or because they did it out of kindness?

Kindness doesn't necessarily mean that you care. I love Chaos. I adore them. I know that they're great, and I'd never doubt for a second that I love them. I was too insecure about my patheticness.

Hermes, who had seen me be weak, and who was now on my bad side, would no doubt tell this to Apollo, being besties with him. Apollo, being the gossipy, jittery guy that he is, no doubt would tell Artemis, and most likely Poseidon. Artemis would probably let it slip to Athena and Zeus, who would definitely use this against me.

You saw how reluctant he was to address me as an entity who held more power than him.

My point was, the entire Olympian council would find out, and from there, the gossip would spread to the minor gods, and the naiads, nereids, and other nature spirits.

Basically, the whole 'mythology' world would find out.

I realized I was hyperventilating. I took shaky deep breaths, shivering slightly. I wished Chaos was back, but they wouldn't be back until nearly 7 or 8 hours.

My thoughts slipped to a darker place.

I can kill myself right now. Who's here to stop me? Nobody would care. Nobody would mourn. I can just die, and peacefully slip into the afterlife of entities who fade, unaware of everything. Like I want to be.

My hands were shaking. I didn't trust myself to be alone. I was basically pathetic. I didn't want to ask Chaos for help. They had done enough, sacrificed enough for me.

Eta? He'd help, but it would be tiring to tell him the overall story of how I got so mentally fucked.

Damn.

The entire world -bar Chaos- thinks I'm mentally stable and okay.

What a fucking joke.

I shivered as another few rather dark thoughts passed my mind. I wanted a knife to plunge into my brain. Well... I'd risk fading and need healing.

Ugh.

Can't a guy- person do that shit in peace?

I totally did not just misgender myself.

Anyway, Eta wouldn't work, and neither would the rest of the team for the same reasons.

I don't trust the Olympians or the minor gods.

The Primordial Council?

I guess Aether and I are close friends, but would I get kicked off of the council for being weak?

My thoughts trapped me in a darker place once more.

I wanted to scream.

I was shaking worse than before. I seriously didn't trust myself for being alone. I took a shaky, deep breath. Who would help me? Who could help me?

I got up, shaking horribly as I tried to walk. I began pacing, trying to clear my mind and find somebody who I could be with so I wouldn't be alone. I checked the time and sighed gratefully once I realized it was only 15:20.

"Thank Chronos," I muttered.

I had to wait 8 hours for Chay and they'd be exhausted. They would be back by 04:00, which was crazy of Order. Why did she have to do this? I understood that Chaos had skipped a bunch of their paperwork (because of me) but it wasn't fair for her to push it all onto Chaos at once.

I whimpered as thoughts filled my mind, suffocating me in an infinite pit of my darkest thoughts.

"No," I whispered nearly inaudibly.

I whimpered again, stumbling back a bit. I was sure I looked and sounded pathetic. I gagged as bile rose up my throat. I rushed into the bathroom just in time as I began to throw up.

After a minute or two, I was done, and shaking worse than ever. I took some tissues and wiped my mouth, not getting up from the bathroom floor.

I was an entire fucking mess.

My head was full of dark thoughts. I couldn't think straight, and I was scared that I'd do something bad.

I shivered, feeling cold as goosebumps began raising on my arms. I was still wearing my long-sleeved hoodie (I always wore long sleeves, how else would I cover my scars and wounds?) so I was a bit confused at why I was still feeling cold.

I struggled as I stumbled to my feet, incredibly unbalanced. I held onto the walls for balance and strength, dragging myself inside, toward the living room.

My anxiety was making it impossible to speak. I stumbled to the couch and curled up on it, wanting to scream from how bad I felt and the thoughts swirling inside of my head.

My vision darkened as I passed out.