Freefall // Hyunlix

Fighting?

<Hyunjin>

'I've always had an addictive edge to my personality. When I was a child I would choose an interest and throw myself into it, nothing could tear me away from it. From reading to sports, I've done it all but recently I just can't seem to be invested in anything. Every part of me wants to lie, unmoving in bed. I just want to watch the world go by and ignore it all. But I can't, something in me won't let me rest. Something bad will happen if I do- I can feel it. I wish I could go back to the way things were before, I was happier, we were happier. But alas, the universe had different plans for me.

Everything feels numb at the moment, I'm like a dog waiting for its owner to come home. But no one is coming to save me. They don't even know how far I've fallen. These past weeks have just been a haze, I can't remember the last time I ate a proper meal, the last time I laughed with the members, the last time I felt a positive emotion. It's all just too much. The members hate me, I know it. I can see it in their eyes, the way they look at me as if I'm an abomination- someone to be feared. I wish I could speak to them about something, anything, just to make it okay but I can't. They already think I'm a freak. My closest companion is the voices. Part of me wants to break free from their chains but a larger part of me knows they're my only comfort. My only friends. They remind me of the things I should remember, they tell me when I look bad, they teach me how to cope with things, how to make the pain go away. I'm grateful, truly. They helped me lose weight, it's not much but it's a start. I'm 133.5 lbs now! A poor effort in 3 weeks I must admit but I know I can do better now. The members aren't on my back anymore about eating and I can work out as much as I like now as I'm not being restricted. I think I will be able to reach 130 lbs in the next couple of days. I'm just so over it, once I hit my target of 115 everything will be okay again. I know I can do this, I just have to believe what they're telling me- they really take good care of me.

I know I have to get up today, we have an important photoshoot with Tommy Hilfiger, but I don't want to face the members. The last time I spoke to them, things ended badly. I just don't have it in me to keep fighting with them, it's tearing me apart.

*1 week earlier*

"Hyunjin, you've got the counts wrong again! It's really simple, god! Its 1,2 and a 3 4 yeah! Get it together pabo! You're meant to be part of danceracha" Minho remarked bitterly. His eyebrows furrowed together and his eyes formed a piercing glare.

"If you didn't keep changing the timing maybe I wouldn't mix up the counts." Hyunjin spat back, his eyes filling with fire. Pausing for a second, he decided to poke the bear further.

"Who are you calling pabo anyway, are you not the one who came running to me begging for help because you didn't know how to confess to Jisung?! And as for member of danceracha, it would be nice if you included me in that, I'm not just a decoration you know. It's not like you would take my input anyway, the stick is too far up your ass to take knowledge from someone else." Minho's eyes widened and he could feel the rage burn up within him. Changbin could see Minho restraining himself and he made a mental note to intervene if necessary. He could see Chan mirroring himself but with Hyunjin, they both knew where this was heading but neither could stop what was coming. They knew better.

"Don't you DARE bring mine and Jisungs' relationship into this, you know nothing Hwang. You're a pretty little boy who's got some big idea about how great he is but ask yourself this. Where would you be without us? 3racha works their asses off day and night, producing music for our crew. Vocalracha work tirelessly practising their vocals so they are prepared for whatever notes Chan throws their way. Me and Felix spend every danceracha rehearsal creating choreo and thinking about ways to improve what we already have but you. You do nothing. You stand there and work by yourself, you stare into the mirror, probably checking yourself out I expect. That's the only reason you're here, Hwang. You have a pretty face. But let me tell you something, looks only get you so far and right now..." Minho paused for breath. He debated if he was going too far, but seeing the tears in the eyes of his members reminded him of how much Hyunjin had hurt them.