Freefall // Hyunlix

Control

<Narrator POV>

Hyunjin was in control, or at least he thought he was. His mind had been working tirelessly, fighting a losing battle. Not a day went by where Hyunjin didn't contemplate suicide, the thought just becomes addicting. Once you think of killing yourself, it never really leaves, becoming a parasite in the back of your mind. One minor inconvenience was all it would take for Hwang Hyunjin to end it all, for his life to become another statistic of hopeless tragedy. Just another number. Just another person lost to this sea of sadness.

Cut after Cut, not a single part of his once milky skin could be seen. His hips were red and white, his shoulders and back covered in scars and cuts, some deep and some shallow. Chan's daily check's weren't thorough enough, the boy just sticking to Hyunjin's wrists and thighs. He thought it would be enough- how naive, Bangchan. How part of Hyunjin wished for the leader to notice, part of him screamed out for help at every opportunity but most of him kept silent, mundanely living out his pitiful existence. Hyunjin couldn't help himself, he couldn't stop.

<Hyunjin POV>

"Hyunjin-ah you have to get up" I heard Chan whisper, shaking my body a little.

"Don't want to" I reply sleepily

"Hyun please" he whispered harshly, still shaking my tired body. I hadn't left my room in 5 days with the exception of going to the bathroom once all the members were asleep. It was a pitiful existence, I know, but I just can't bring myself to end it. Not yet.

I had to get up today, Chan told me in advance that JYP wanted a meeting with me. To discuss my future at the company, whatever that means. I just don't care anymore. Maybe the old me would have jumped at the opportunity, the old me would have fought tooth and nail to get back into SKZ but the old me is gone. Dead and buried I think.

With great effort, I slowly begin to move. Sitting up, I tiredly rub my eyes and am met with an equally tired Bangchan. "Do you want to come for some breakfast mate?" I hear him say. My reaction is immediate, my eyes tear up and my body starts to shake. It has been days since I've last eaten, my stomach growls with pain that keeps me up all night. But I can't eat, I don't deserve to live.

I shake my head at him, getting up to go to the bathroom. As I open my bedroom door I start to feel anxious, uncontrollably so. The world goes numb, a lump forming in the back of my throat. Not now. Not now please. I can feel my body tremble, the nausea creeping within me. My chest is tightening at an alarming rate, every breath is tortureous, teasing me for my existence. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

"Help me"

It's all I can manage to say between my restricted breaths. My heart is beating so fast, I can't hear anything but it's thumps, growing faster and faster by the second. The world is blurry, I can't feel anything in it, I'm so insignificant, so inferior.

I can see his face swim infront of my unfocused vision, my tears clouding everything. He's probably speaking to me, probably panicking himself. Why do they put up with me? Why do they bother?

"They don't. They hate you Hyunjin. They're forced to be your friend, their career depends on it."

My chest tightens even more. Its true. I'm not a likeable person. But why would Felix be my boyfriend? Would he really play with my emotions like that?

"Felix pities you. You're a pathetic excuse for a human being, he just feels sorry for yoru existance. He is only with you for the money, for the fame. He doesn't love you. He never has."

A dark thought crosses my mind faster than I thought possible. My chest seems to ease at the thought, I can feel myself breathing easier the more I think about it.

"Do it Hyunjin. You can stop all the pain. You can be free. It's what you've wanted all along."

In that very moment I made up my mind. I'll do it. I dont feel afraid anymore, it's like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The whole world may be blurry, I may not be able to feel my body, my heart may be the only thing I can hear but I am so very much alive. I can do it, but I have to be alone. Noticing my worried leader, I simply gave him a warm smile and told him not to worry and that everything would be okay. Because it would.

"You're a great leader Chan. Thank you for everything that you do, it means the world to us boys. Keep smiling!"

And with that I went to meet my end.