Freefall // Hyunlix

Therapy?

Dr Choi beckoned Hyunjin to follow him and he lead the boy into a private meeting room. There were a few brightly coloured beanbags scattered around, a few fidget toys placed on a dingy looking coffee table. The walls were white but they had splashes of colour on them- probably from previous patients artwork. Hyunjin chose a baby blue beanbag and sat down on it, sinking into the warmth. Dr Choi sat in a black one next to him and began to speak.

"Whats on your mind Hyunjin?"

"I don't know. I can't explain it, I just feel so overwhelmed."

"Shall we just focus on one thing for now," Hyunjin nodded, his eyes not looking anywhere specific. "lets talk about your issues with eating. Where did it start Hyunjin? When did you first feel like you didn't deserve to eat?"

Hyunjin paused for a moment as a cold shiver flew down his spine. When did it go so wrong? "I suppose it started when I was on a V-live. I was with Jisung and Minho and we were doing a mukbang type of stream. We were cracking jokes and having a good time when I saw a few comments talking about how fat I looked. I mean I didn't think much of it at the time but as time flew by, I started seeing more of those comments. I couldn't help but notice how much I ate compared with the other members, how my body moved differently to theirs, how disgusting mine looked. I hated myself. I still do hate myself" Hyunjin finished sadly. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, talking about his feelings made him feel so much less empty. It hurt being alive, but maybe that pain was a good thing. Maybe that was what it meant to be human.

"One day I had a fight with my members, the people who are meant to care for me most. WE exchanged some really hurtful words but the one comment that stuck out to me was based on my appearance. I felt worthless, usless and pathetic. That night I decided to start dieting in an attempt to lose weight. I suppose at first it was harmless, I only wanted to drop a couple of lbs but I kind of lost control. Every morning I would wake up earlier than the others and exercise, skipping breakfast. I would go to work and dance until I couldn't anymore and then I'd go home and workout again. I'd only eat when the members were around, I couldn't let them grow suspicious. I suppose that was when it got worse. I started eating one meal a day but I couldn't help but feel guilty for doing so. I suppose it just ate at me until I gave in. I don't think I kept a single meal inside me for weeks. Oh god. " Hyunjin was shocked at the words he just uttered. He hadn't eaten in weeks. The realisation of what he was doing to himself was overwhelming, he'd never meant to let it get this far.

"What have I done" he whispered, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Dr Choi watched the boy break down. Hyunjin had just taken his first big step towards recovery and he couldn't be prouder. He reached out and offered the crying boy a tissue, to which Hyunjin gladly accepted. "You know Hyunjin, emotions are very powerful things. You were caught off guard by this weren't you, it jumped on you when you least expected it. This doesn't make you weak, this doesn't mean you are any less of a person. Our struggles show who we truly are and how strong our character is. There is no light without a dark, I hope you choose to live within the light. We can help you Hyunjin, there are treatments out there which can help you overcome these feelings. We can put a recovery plan in place, if you'd like, and we can help you get on the right track again."

Hyunjin nodded, he couldn't help but feel hopeful about the future. Dr Choi was the first doctor he hadn't been terrified of, the first doctor who treated him nicely, who made him feel safe. Hyunjin was eternally greatful for that.

After their discussion, Hyunjin and Dr Choi spent the next few days devising a recovery plan for his eating disorder. Dr Choi wanted to make sure Hyunjin was happy with it and that he would stick to his recovery. Dr Choi hoped that he would never see Hyunjin after his discharge and that the boy would be able to live a happy life again.

He was concerned that Hyunjin never opened up about his depression or what lead him to suicide. But he was confident that when Hyunjin felt ready he would reach out and get support. He was sure Hyunjin was ready to return to the real world, back to his normal life.

After consulting Hyunjin, Dr Choi thought it would be best if the boy would recieve therapy sessions weekly as well as start on antidepressants and anxiety medication. He and Hyunjin had created a meal plan that he would give to his members and they would ensure that Hyunjin would follow it no matter what.

The road to recovery was hard, Hyunjin knew that, but he was hopeful. Dr Choi told him he would be discharged today and he couldn't help feel elated. Felix was so proud of the progress Hyunjin had made, his love for the other was only increasing by the day. Felix felt so happy with their relationship so he proposed the idea of a first date to Hyunjin, the night after they left the hospital.

Discharge day rolled around and Hyunjin felt a mixture of emotions. He was nervous to leave the safety of the hospital, anxious to deal with the real world and to see the members again but ready to gain his freedom back, ready to gain himself back. He was Hwang Hyunjin and nothing could change that now.

Or so he thought.