At least i'm trying- Taylor Swift story

09

11.18.2023
Saturday

Alexa's pov

I'm home with only my brother, because my 'amazing' parents decided to go on a weekend trip that neither me or robert wanted to go on. My brother didn't want to go because he's got something to do in the city tomorrow, and i didn't want to go because Beatrice and Wyatt aren't able to survive an hour without arguing.

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Travis and Taylor have been super busy lately, because of their jobs. They still text and call, but i've just been pushing everyone away lately, even them.

Taylor has been busy because of the 1989TV release, and announcing Reputation TV, which she did on the 10th of November, just as we all predicted.

I don't know exactly what travis does, but they've been keeping him busy with the flying around from town to town, insane amounts of training and ad shoots.

I'm not mad at them, because i get it, but sometimes i wish i was just able to ask for help.

Taylor and travis also said that they've got some time off this week, thanks to the intense few weeks of nonstop work.

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Robert is a pretty heavy sleeper, and is currently asleep with his earbuds in, but it's 5am on a Saturday morning, and i still haven't managed to fall asleep. My mind keeps racing, despite being sleep deprived.

This is technically nothing new, because i've had insomnia since i can remember, so probably since i was around 11 or 12.

Don't worry though, sometimes it was worse and sometimes better. When we left poland my body only let me fall asleep at 6 or 7 am, and i was going to school normally, so my routine was:
•no sleep
•no sleep/ less than an hour of sleep
•i was basically a zombie by then, so most times i either went to bed at a REALLY early time or i couldn't even remember how i ended up in bed when i woke up because someone from my family nudged me as i was sitting at the kitchen table and said that i was falling asleep, so in my zombie-like trance i walked to and laid down in my bed and went back to sleep.

It miraculously got better after we moved, but i should've known that it was too good to be true, because now it's back and it sucks.

During the last 72 hours (3 days) i got less than an hour of sleep.

My sanity is hanging on by a thread. My eating habits have gotten worse again.

That's because my father is overweight and has some health problems, and his doctors advised him to lose weight, because his extra weight is impacting the health problems negatively.

Since then, he bought a box diet for himself, and started going on walks/kinda runs every Saturday morning. He also started talking about calories. CONSTANTLY. I know that he does it in a healthy way, the box diet is a calorie deficit type, and for him the deficit is apparently 2800kcal, and he still snacks multiple times a day.

I know, right?

But as if that wasn't bad enough, he also writes all the calories that he ate in the day down in his weight loss app.

Since he started doing that, even though i've REALLY been trying to eat, i keep getting triggered.

So lately i've been running on a few hours of sleep per week, which i try to make up for on the weekend, but there's only so many hours that you can restore, and i don't remember the last time i've gone over 500 calories in a day, while actually staying around 400 calories or less most days, and because of those factors, my anxiety, depression AND ocd are worse than ever.

I can't stop washing or disinfecting my hands after touching basically anything (including my own body and clothes), and i get easily stuck in those actions, often repeating them multiple times.

My anxiety is through the roof, which also doesn't help with my procrastination.

I'm alive, but I feel like I'm dead. I feel like Im rotting away, trapped in some some old building with a shitty foundation. I feel like bones, cold bones and I can't feel anything else. And I'm so sick of it.
It hurts. It only ever hurts.
I need it to hurt for a reason and not just come from nowhere, so i broke and cut a few times.

Me and self harm have a weird relationship though, because i don't do it regularly, i just cut sometimes when i'm really overwhelmed and need immediate relief. It's been like that since i was 12.

I, once again walked into the bathroom.
I, once again looked at myself in the mirror. I wasn't fat. I knew that, but I just couldn't help feeling disgusting every time I wasn't hungry. And every time I gave in and ate made me feel weak.

My once strong and healthy body is now replaced by scars and weakness.

I broke down in quiet sobs as i slid down to the floor on the least used (cleanest) corner of the bathroom.

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After a while of letting my thoughts spiral, the nearly silent sobs and whimpers coming out of my mouth turned into gasps. I knew that in a moment it's going to turn into a full-blown panic attack, but for the first time in my life i had someone that i trusted with my feelings.

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Hey!

I just realized that i numbered the last chapter as '10' by accident. I'm sorry for that, i wrote and uploaded it around 4:30am and my brain decided that addition and subtraction are the same thing.

Let me know if you have any opinions and/or
suggestions!

Take care of yourselves <3