At least i'm trying- Taylor Swift story

21

12.11.2023
Monday

Alexa's pov

I'm home alone right now. I was doing some schoolwork and couldn't understand a certain part in math. I started feeling so fucking stupid and useless and my thoughts started racing and telling me bad things.

I really need to cut.

Like REALLY.

i know i shouldn't but this is how i've dealt with feelings of intense panic since i was 12.

Hesitating, i started pacing around my room.

i took my blade out of the hiding spot and stared at it.

I decided that i can't.

I'm not technically addicted but it's still not a healthy coping mechanism.

I played folklore lpss and continued the pacing in hopes of getting the anxiety out.

When i heard this is me trying, i started singing along.

Just to be clear, i can't sing. I love singing but i don't sound good, even my father told me that when he overheard me once.

Besides that one incident, the only time that i sang around other people was both of the times that i went to the eras tour movie.

But i've been trying to practice my voice when i'm alone and i find it pretty cathartic. It's pretty much the only way that i let my emotions out.

I try to repeat the exercises from vocal coaches on the internet, pronounce the words better and generally be more in tune with the music.

I decided to find some guitar/piano covers of Taylor's sadder songs on youtube that i can sing along to.

Better that than relapsing, right?

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I've been singing for about 40 minutes now and i'm actually pretty content with how i sound.

The more intense parts of the songs are kind of a struggle because of my asthma but it sounds kinda okay for a non-singer who was on the verge of a panic attack and relapsing less than an hour ago.

Right now is my fourth time singing Clean and i'm pretty much completely calmed down and just focused on perfecting the parts where i get lost.

Suddenly I hear a knock on my door. I immediately turn off the music and stop singing. I didn't even hear the front door opening, i'm usually more careful.

"Yeah?" i call out.

I see Taylor open the door with a big smile on her face.

"Hey Lex, was that you singing?" she asked, still smiling.

"Yeah, i'm sorry i didn't hear you coming in, i just needed a distraction and no one was home i'm sorry!" i quickly responded.

"Sweetie, i don't mind, i just never heard you sing before" she said.

"You don't have a bad voice, why do you keep saying that you do?" she added.

"I sound horrible, even Wyatt told me that i can't sing once" i countered.

"Is that why you don't sing anymore?" she said. I once told her that i like singing but i didn't think that she'd remember it.

"I do sing, i just do it when i'm alone" i murmured.

"Okay, but your voice sounds really good, especially for someone who never had any practice!" she told me.

"What was the music though?" she asked.

"It's just a piano cover from youtube" i said while avoiding eye contact.

She came over to where i was sitting and hugged me. I melted into her embrace because singing can't replace the comfort that someone actually being there for you brings.

"Why did you pick the acoustic version?" she asked out of curiosity.

"I just like how the raw instruments sound" i replied.

"Have you ever played?" she questioned.

"No, we never had space for any instruments and whenever i asked for a keyboard or guitar they laughed at me and told me that i would abandon it after a week and never touch it again" i said as i avoided eye contact.

"Well, we have space AND instruments here and it's okay to stop playing if you get sick of it so i can teach you how to" she announced.

"Really?" i asked in disbelief. I never thought that anyone would give me a chance like that.

"Of course, especially if it helps you process your emotions" she answered with sincerity in her voice.

"Yeah, it's just a very good release for me" i said quietly.

"That's a really healthy way to process things. Come on, i'll show you the basics before Travis comes back from practice!" she said before getting up and grabbing my hand.

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Okay, for the record i thought that this chapter was darker!

It's been sitting in my notes for a while and i remembered it as being more descriptive which it obviously isn't but i still thought that it was worth publishing!

I hope you still liked it!

Let me know if you have any opinions or things that you'd like to see :)

Happy thanksgiving to everyone who celebrates!

I love you guys, thank you for being here!

Take care of yourselves <3