At least i'm trying- Taylor Swift story

14

11.28.2023
Tuesday

Alexa's pov

FUCK.

It's been a week since i officially moved in with Taylor. I've been eating better since the move with Taylor and Travis's support.

Until now i guess. For most of the day i had the unfulfilled feeling in my body that i always get when i need to binge.

I ignored it for the entire day, but then i broke and acted on it. The binge was nearly two hours of eating something and then deciding that i need more and more. I ate SO much. And not healthy, low-calorie foods either. I HAD to get them out.

And that brings us to now. It's 3:40am and i've just broken almost two months of not puking.

I got most of the food out and decided that it's enough. I could already feel the skin on my hand and around my mouth hurting and burning from the contact with puke. My skin won't even let me purge in peace.

I washed my hands and face, and then rinsed my mouth with water, then proceeded to flush the toilet and clean the toilet bowl.

After that i just sat on the floor as i started crying. I don't know how i got here, but at this point i don't know if i'll ever get out. It seems like no matter how long i go without my mental problems bothering me, they always come back. Each one of them does.

Whenever i think i'm free, i fall right back into it.

After around twenty minutes of crying, i also brushed my teeth. I didn't want to do it straight away because your teeth are sensitive after coming in contact with the stomach acid.

A few minutes after continuing the crying on the bathroom floor with my back against the wall i heard a knock on the door.

"Hey buddy, can you open the door please?" i heard Travis say.

I knew that he was able to hear the crying anyway and decided that trying to make myself look presentable is pointless, so i stood up and opened the door and was pulled into a tight hug.

"I saw some dirty dishes and empty containers in the kitchen. Did you do in here what i think you did?" he asked gently.

I nodded into his chest, not wanting to lie. He knows enough to piece the pieces together and to be honest i am really fucking tired of hiding my problems.

"I'm sorry buddy, do you wanna come to mine and Taylor's bed for tonight? I don't really want you to be alone after doing this" he said carefully.

"Yeah" i responded while tearing up again. I was surprised too, because i don't remember the last time someone showed me love and care in this way.

It feels like the fatherly love and affection that i've been longing for since i can remember.

"It's gonna be okay buddy, i've got you now" he said as my legs started shaking.

He picked me up bridal style like i weighed nothing and carried me to his and Taylor's bedroom. He put me on the bed and told me to make myself comfortable. I clung to the sleeping Taylor, who unconsciously pulled me into her embrace and Travis hugged us both, trapping me in the middle of the hug.

"Thank you Trav" i said as i felt myself starting to drift off.

"No problem buddy, i'll always be here for you" he answered.

That's how i fell asleep. Safe, protected and loved. Feeling the things that i thought i'll never feel again because i was convinced that i don't deserve them.

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Take care of yourselves <33