Margo (Sequel To B)

end of summer

Margos POV

The rest of July was hell. Sleeping wasn't something that was constant in my life. I relied on my pain pills and cigarettes. Music drowned out my thoughts at the worst times. I sang every chance I could but only when I was alone, which was always. I've never felt like more of a complete wreck. The only person I kept close in life was max. She knew what I've been going through, we experienced the same thing. We're going through the exact same thing. I'd say I have never gotten better but July was definitely my worst month of all. I once thought about ending it all. All I wanted to do was see billy again. Be with billy again. So many people talk about how they constantly see their loved ones after they pass. I don't see him. God I wish I could see him, just once. Maybe people are crazy or just lying. At first the possibility gave me hope then it later made me angry. Why do some people get to see their loved ones and I don't? I thought maybe if I died too, I could be with him. Or if I was on the verge of death I could see him. I've day dreamed about it too many times. I sometimes wished I could've died instead of him. But he'd be in the spot I am now and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. There's no way I'm a sane person. I can't leave max, I realized that now.

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Flashback (2 weeks after Billy's death)
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One day I randomly went to the pool. Not seeing billy in his typical lifeguard booth felt wrong. I invisioned him there but I knew he really wasn't there. There weren't too many people at the pool, it was a light day. I was wearing a striped tank top with high waisted shorts. I even walked past the pictures of the lifeguards, of course heathers and his were off the board. This set me off, like a flipped switch. It made me fill up with sorrow. I didn't bring a bathing suit, but I didn't need one. I wasn't thinking because I didn't want to. All I've been doing is running through my own head, so I was done with that. I jumped into the pool, yes with my clothes on. I stayed at the bottom of the pool, legs crossed, breath held. I went back to thinking, like usual. Why billy? Why did he have to be the host? Why did he have to be flayed and die? I hope he's peaceful, wherever he is. I bet it's better than here, in Hawkins. I felt myself cry, even though I was already submerged in water. The water oddly felt good and calming. Then I started to remember Billy's beautiful face. I'm so worried I'll forget his face. You can only look at someone so many times and remember the details of their face. His glazed eyes that changed every season. His dirty blonde hair that made randomly perfect curls around the structure of his face. There's only so many memories and photos that are captured of his true beauty. I was still crying but my body needed air. I needed to come up to the surface but I stayed down. I accidentally breathed in some water through my nose and coughed as well. I felt myself daze into blackness. I was fighting it before I felt someone grab me. I had officially blacked out before they brought me out of the pool. When I woke up I was gasping for air. A lifeguard had saved me. I wasn't sure if I died but I was close to it. But I didn't see Billy like I thought I would. After seeing the curious faces all around my body, I knew I needed to get out of there. I slowly got up and began crying. I didn't want these people to see me. I needed to leave. Like I said I thought if I was on the verge of death then maybe I could see billy. It was stupid of me to think that.

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