Hand pan journey: night of the living hand pan

PTSD talking

Twrigger world warning: torture, terrorism

Feburary 4 1989
It was a dark day for me as i was born into a war zone that at the time was also terrorist infested.....like Chechnya  but worse.  My parent could afford to keep me and left me in the hospital for dead.then at some point at which i was born and till the time i was adopted the plsce was also infested eith al-Qaeda like terrorists.it was ome thing to hear their shit and nonsense outside of where i was staying but it was another to be tortured by these fucktards.   These ass whipes has starved, waterboarded me and put me in stress positions.  I have scoliosis  and very bad shoulder because these repeated incidents in Romania. Basically i started my life the way che Guevara emded his: through being treated like a motherfucking animal.  Only he was communist and i was half breed.  I was then adopted by a man of great integrity and a womsn eho eas sorely lack of.  then the pouch sxrews started to happen.  The very first was putting in daycare.... i heard childrens coice and thought i was in grace danger all over again.  You could problably guess who the fuck put me in daycare my mother.  It triggered my PTSD complete into a dander and i acted like a little shit every time i had to go.  Then there was school.  Again the sound of kids killed my spirit and once again i tried everything i  my power to get kicked out....this was kindergarten and i had bo idea of martial arts bought i out up a hell of a fight with the other brats, called people names you name i did it to make the teacher hate me and get banned from school.  But my mom fought me and the teacher....so i could not win either way.  I did mean to be the bylly but in my world at the time is survival of the fittest and i wasnt going to be tortured again.  In the summer times it was daycare and library programs again i could care less about.  I was able to get kicked of daycare and the other program by through a mighty shit fit.  My father wasnt too happy about it. And i thought he was the enemy because he always yelled and screamed like hitker on one his rants when pissed.  And he was pissed alot. Anothing thing that me off with my mom was that she was never there, she too busy working and for selfish reasons. Skip to seventh grade the very beginning of it at was septemeber 11 2001 and i came home to watch the simpsons or sailor moon i cant exact which one but this triggered my PTSD all over again.  I was starting a life long battle with nightmares and depression.  I felt like i had to take martial arts and be suspicious of every one no matter creed or skin colour.  By grade eight my life to a turn for the worst.  I pull the huge peank on one girl, thsnk go we are still friends on fb but the principal at the times a complete dickhead and get this.. threatened me with Guantanamo bay.   My mom started the drinking right then and there and my father want on one his fucked up rants saying that if talk to the house plant it turned green but if he were to talk to me hed good green.
I couldnt be teusted out dide of the school walls and i started to fight a battle with suicidal thought and actions.  I couldnt be around other children so i read FBI history books and law books and greys anatomy to to keep me from killing my self.  I also focused more on my martial arts until i was better at it the a 9th degree black belt. That was all i had left was my brains and my martial artist skill.  I had to become yakuza as well because my Taekwondo teacher was a yajuza oyabun  or boss.i still foul this four hundred year old clde just to stay on the good side of the law  and still feel an obligation to the teacher to this day od 31.
Grade nine wasnt a beeeze by any means because the other kid made dun of my interested and what ever hobbies i had left.  On the 400th anniversary of the battle of sekigahara was my own sekigahara where one girl pregnant at the time was demeaning me and was so demented things like "i am going to cute you open alive and weigh your organs" as a refferance to my interest i  medical science and especially to my race.  So i pushed and threw the girl hard on the flior and walked away.  I told my guidance counselor that it was legal right to act in self defense as this slut was theeatening with a very painful death.she bought ut but not my parents they thought i was looki g for a fight instead of the fight comming my way.  I was at risk of losing the only thing in this world that i loved which was martial arts.   So for a month had to be a fucking doormat and let people talk and threaten me.  That was when i could feel the rage boul to kill bill level, where i wanted revenge against the principal that condemned me to this ill fated life of yakuza.  One October 4 2003 i webt to my first Taekwondo tournament hoping that i would move to japan and fuck the rest of canada.... nut i imoressed the yakuza and the black belts. I started to talk this yakuza code seriously.  But the time grade 10 came around i started to talk to this girl named tish who was also yakuza and a prankster.  We takked and becone good friends..... then i heard about what happened to the asians un the holocaust, that tgey were autopsied alive and nd discarded as medical waste.  This apauled me as i just found i was asian, and then i a saw the link between the threeats from the pregnant rabelrouser and i told tish to do everytging in her oower ti get her kicked out and her child taken away. Tish agreed abd the next thing autopsy girl was kicked out of school and home with nothing to care for.  Jen monk that was the litle bitches name was deemed a white Supremacist and paged as a neonazi.  I as the school yakuza i had the power to reck your life if you didnt play your cards right. I didnt habe compassion but then again i wasnt a psychopath  just some one who was going throw it back at you. It didnt take long that i was devolping and anger problem thst i am still fighting for now until the end of my days.  I also had a boy friend which was more of an abusive relationship particularly him cheating me with wvery fucking girl in the school, i find out and beatting and yelling at him.  I am not very proud of this relationship and i dont count it as a romantic relationship but a fucking fart in a wind storm. I got do bad that i had to say that i was gay.  I had said that for years which was a fucking lie.....the only lie i every told but i didn't want to be with someone who was a cheater.  I mean he was ducking a teacher behind my back and i found out.....that was a tipping point.  This dweebs name was matt v. I will mention what a fuck up he was to my love life in the future.  In 2008 i graduated. One to dind more stress and triggers.

December 2008 I will not forget asi munching on my breakfast and some fucked up calls came to our attention from the Perth opp and they had nothing nice to say let's put  that way involving my father.  I didn't know what the fuck was going on at the time until my mother at the time, said that he was sexually assaulting the neighbourhood Kidd's, before I was born.  Let me tell you this is that I never got touched or harassed nor were my friends at the time of my childhood.  I would have heard something more down the road but didn't.  It was my fucking baby sitter Bonnie who was making lies about father and spreading them like covid. When I heard this I was devastated and furious.  I wanted to kill this person out of protection of my father but mom won't have it.  
You see in previous chapters my code was and still is the yakuza code.  And I am I die hard follower.  Not gangster but just a disciple of the way of the yakuza.  These is where i had to take intense anger management, but at the time one person was able to get through to me and help me.......Tammy,  and her bounding balls that were invented I'm the Ming dynasty ther called baoding iron balls, isoon started up and collection of these balls.....I was thing I am to stressed and angry as to know of have as many balls as I wanted.  I practiced using them until there were as natural as eating, so my anger started to subside but harsh emotions to the liar where still and are fresh.  If I couldn't kille this bitch Bonnie then I had to testify on my dads before a court of law.  This rekindled my linterest In law and started to dust off the old law books of youth and I did everything in my power tip prove this bitch was in my life trying to brain wash me.....as if my brain needed to be warped anymore thank very much.  The story was that my father harassed the girl brother and assaulted her in the basement, mom said she would now put up with such shit or she would have eft home hanging.  I believe that my father never did so atrocities but the woman said that my mother was a raging alcoholic, something that is true about my mom, I just was to rose coloured glasses to see it, until now.i I didn't want to believe that my mom was an alcoholic.  Some people say that is a sign of trauma or deep sadness......but I don't believe that for a fact.

One night I broke my iPod touch and dumb dumb , my mother, at the time thought that I did it on purpose which was fucking lie.  I didn't no do such I thing on purpose.  It was a night of her being a drunk psychopath driving me too slice my face. That made her snap out of it and we had to go to the emergency room to talk to a psychiatric nurse named morgen.  I told my idiot mom to shove off and I broke brown telling the memories of being tortured or threaten with Guantanamo Bay to my actual dream of being an FBI agent was crushed like the tread center.  Beside the lies about my father this was the first that I cry like a bastard.   I have never cried that much before.  Obviously this was more then a broke iPod this was a life of pain and suffering that I think no one not even bin laden deserves....not a single people go or evil deserves to have suffer the way I did in my life, and the nurse saw that.  It still hurt from time to time to thank about this and that it even happened.   I had to use an old digital cameras that I no longer no how to use because they are on iPads and phones so my photos turned into literally shit.....and yet the birch kept barking and it was affecting my father to the point where he had to get is two cents worth in and it wasn't worth it and the time.  I had to sleep in the living room all winter with dumbo the clown because she was quite afraid that I might killl my self.  She did not know that I had learned a lesson.  Never again.  So because of this I realize no matter the pain I had to keep life precious.  So instead I started writing poetry and reading more and more book then usual.  I hated that camera.  Some of my workers tried to get me to get a guitar to help with my isssues, but I guess it wasn't in gods plan at the time.   Tried to save up for one but my mom blocked me on that one constantly.  So I have t stick my nerds or balls and swirl and write.  But I could feel my anger raising.  I started to read the seek bears senior which was good and then the warrior cats which were just awesome to a forgot about the iPod but had enough money to get get me another and I was able to sleep upstairs again  but other then that to this day I still had to warn more parents about staying in my room during the day.  It's was a pain especially when yo are doing music class on zoom.the last time idiot buggered my music class was two weeks ago before she did the stunt.