Hand pan journey: night of the living hand pan

Trying to avoid coffee (again)

Is trying to Avoid coffee is getting easier, but sleeping is not getting any easier for me as the night school long and they go long. Really longer than usual. this is what comes with wonder other than the snow is the cold nights and the boredom, especially when you have Insomnia and ptsd it's a real b**** to go to sleep at night at times. sometimes I wish I could just fall asleep, but as the song I will tell you which is insomnia by faceless, I just can't sleep is basically that's the hook that I'm going with? Is that it's a real which to try to go and Sleep and otherwise do other things that normal people do when they fall asleep. You wish me when I have these Damn nightmares and the nightmares have taken another turn for the worst.  As a night marriage now have to Protain to the Black Sheep of the family. My brother Brian. that being said. It's getting very hard to deal with his b******* now.. Even though I have several times with him. The nightmares now have started to take form of the actual assault that he had done to me.   I have to nip this in the Bud. By doing something about it before. I go to the doctor because I'm afraid. I'm gonna end up developing a sass mouth Which is really typical of me when I have a nightmare. Is the idea that I cannot handle people at times. It does not help that i'm where i'm living has a COVID o'break, and that comes with the snow as well as that. These devil soccer balls come around usually here. And now it's not as bad before. You would have to go and stay for 10 days now. You can stay for fry which is not as bad, but just as aggravating.
That being satisgetting harder and harder for me to sleep. Even though I'm trying to avoid the coffee. I nearly gave in this morning with the coffee. Because it was starting to get to the point where I was spilling you over into the days with my sleep. And it was starting to aggravate me to the point where I wanted nothing to do with sleep. I think this is what the idea are.  Of insomnia is but I don't know exactly if this is true. I'm not sure I'm not a psychiatrist. But I do know this is that it's beginning to be a pain in my ass. 
The idea that I have to sleep at night literally have to sleep like everyone else in this world drives me insane. I'm more of a night owl these days because of the nightmares that my brother Brian have the stove upon me. I only wish that karma will be swift and Justice at the same time will be swift and will be able to attack him.  When he doesn't know about it, that's the idea of karma. Is so you don't have to be angry. but I have to get angry at some point or the nightmares will not stop.
What I think is I cannot avoid the coffee for very long. I've tried my darnedest to avoid coffee. But sooner or later it's gonna go and park my lips and enter my mouth. that being said, I really tried my darkness to avoid the actually drinking of the coffee. I don't know what good it has. Other than it makes you focus and wired. that being said, does anyone really need to?  When I end up falling asleep at night, I'm back in my brother's apartment where he had hurt me and it's really aggravating. Sometimes I have other aggravating dreams that don't pertain to him. that being said, it's kind of aggravating to have compacted p Gs v and that's something I came up with because the PTSD is a pain in the butt to deal with as is but double dose. Of PTSD is really aggravating to begin with. 
That being said, I think I may have since this was coming. That's why I wanted to get the hand Pan other than just the idea making good music. I'm having a different sound to the ear. could have it been because I'm getting sick and tired of my PTSD and just wanna put an end to it through music.
I know otep the metal singer Has said that the idea of music is my God, art, as my religion, is basically the idea that is the same with me should be naming this book after that idea but since it's not available now, I cannot use it. but yes, music is my garden artist, my religion and I try to do more creative. Things instead of destructive things, I don't do very many destructive things anymore. Like I used to when I was a teenager. I don't know why I did more destructive things as a teenage. I think the idea being bullied and not having an outfit before.  It was too much for me until fresh at the time. So that's why I probably couldn't find a note for my anger or my PTSD or anything for that matter. It wasn't like I was 3 years old or 4 years old. But I'm gonna literally paint on the walls. I would have to literally bug people about it before I could now I'm able to use an apple pen and I can use my tongue draw as well as my hand Pan when I get it. that being said, this is why I got the handpan as a way of escaping and finding a way to entertain.  And also get rid of my problems at the same time. Will I get rid of the 100%? No, but I am hoping that. 1 day that I will be able to go and find a way to cope with them a lot. Better without losing my you know what? Whenever I get angry.
That being said. That's why I got the hand Pan drum. And I literally say that it has eaten my brain.