𝐦𝐢𝐫𝐫𝐨𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐥𝐥 - TMR AU, Thomas

𝟢𝟣𝟧，𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐜𝐤𝐲

༺ FIFTEEN ༻

Guilt.

I'm sitting on my bed and I'm doing nothing else than overthinking the choice I made at Mamma Mia yesterday.

I shouldn't have eaten the lasagna. I don't even know what got into me when I decided to do it, but I feel so guilty.

Well, I do know what convinced me. It was Thomas. Of course it was Thomas.

Yet I still can't explain why I feel guilty the morning after I ate all those nasty calories I shouldn't have eaten.

I shake my head, dropping my shoulders. Food's everything I've been thinking of lately. The conversation with Thomas last night was tense and warm and everything, but even that was about food.

Calories this, healthy that.

I just don't want to think about food and being skinny without much effort.

Like, I'll do a lot of things to lose weight, but it would be easier like that.

I do my researches. It's a big risk and especially if Mom or Dad happens to look at my search history, but my mind forces myself to.

Water fasting is a type of fast during which you cannot consume anything besides water. Most water fasts last 24–72 hours. You should not follow a water fast for longer than this without medical supervision.

My eyes stare at it for a long time and I think I feel nothing but the goosebumps on my arms for a second.

Overwhelmed, I slam my laptop closed.

I don't want to think about food as in not eating it, but as in not caring about what I eat.

But things have changed and I realize I'm no longer a little kid who can eat whatever she wants without gaining weight, nor am I in a child's class ballet. If I want my career to be serious, I have to keep going.

Calories, diet, no food, water fasting, throwing up, eight pounds, one week, other girls.

Other. Girls.
I sigh. They're everything I'm not. I've never viewed the world in that way, but now I do, I realize it's true.

I think I might be the overexcited girl who thinks the friend group welcomes her while they in fact all hate her presence and find her annoying as hell.

Translation of friend group: ballet class.

I can't help it that I get excited like that. Neither am I going to let them ruin that. I'll show excitement or happiness or hatred whenever I want to. I feel it deeply, so I'll show it deeply.

There's things I can't and can change.

I can't change my emotions. But my weight? Yes.

Yet I'm scared. A part of my mind's telling me to do that water fasting if I want to lose weight quickly, another part tells me to do it the healthier, slower way.

First water fasting, then the healthy way.

It's Thursday night. On Monday, the week will be over. That's three more days. Seventy two hours.

I'll do it 'till Sunday night.

After making my decision, I weigh myself, wiping my clammy hands on my pants. Another two pounds are off. Four more to go.

I smile to myself, especially when that feeling of satisfaction hits me. I'm growing. I'm finally losing weight and it's amazing to know I'm close to achieving my goal.