Professor Knight

Do You Hate Me?

After finishing in the bathroom, Jordan had helped me back to bed. He asked if it was okay for him to sit on the bed next to me to which I giggled and told him "it's your bed, you can do whatever you want to." I guess I felt a little deflated when he wasn't being his usual playful self but I couldn't blame him though. "Hang on, I have a drink downstairs, can I get you something while I'm down there?" He stands up and waits for me to respond. "Do you have any hot drinks besides tea or coffee?" He thinks for a second, "I have hot chocolate, would you like that?" I smile softly, "yes please. Straw?" He nods. Then he disappears for a few minutes. I take the time to glance around the room. It's fairly tidy, simply decorated and there's a few framed photos scattered around. I make it a mission once I'm feeling less hungover that I'll take a closer look at the photos. There's one on the bedside table next to me so I pick it up.

It's Jordan with Jon and I assume it's their mom. It makes me smile. I try to imagine what she's like; if she's like my own mom. Jordan places my drink down on the bedside table next to me and his eyes lower to see what I'm looking at, "that's my mom; Marlene, and you remember my brother; Jon?" He points. "She's beautiful." He says "yes, she is." But when I look up to him, his gaze is set on me. I blush. He climbs up onto the bed near me but he stays sitting on top of the duvet whilst I'm sitting with it covering me. We fall into a silence.
"How are you feeling?" Jordan breaks the silence. "I'm feeling more human now than I did earlier. I don't usually drink but I for once, I just wanted to escape from everything before I- I..." I lower my gaze and fidget with my fingers. "Before you...?" He coaxes me to continue. "I was planning on going back home. Everything got too much. I thought I was ready to leave home and come to university but yesterday, everything that I'd built up to had felt like it was crumbling." I can feel myself shake so I grab hold of the duvet and pull it up as high as I can. I bury my face into my bent knees. I feel his touch on my upper back as he tries to comfort me, I didn't realise I had started crying. "Maddie?" He quietly says my name. "Hmm." I murmur against the duvet. "This is all on me. I should never have treated you like I have done. I know that I was trying to protect us both from jeopardising your future and my job, but what I failed to do was to think about your feelings. I'm sorry, truly am sorry." I let his words sink in. "For the past, well since I was fifteen, that's all people have done is try to protect me. You, Xavier and others but never once thinking about giving me any control over things that involve my feelings and protecting me. I've worked so hard to get to where I am today." I feel the bed dipping on his side. "Here..." he's holding out a box of tissues for me to take. "Thank you. How am I supposed to learn when people are so hellbent on protecting me?" I talk softly as I don't want to hurt Jordan with my own frustrations. "For me, I just didn't want to hurt you more than possible but I guess I did anyway. I'd wish I handled things differently but now Joey pushed some sense into me. I understand that it was all a ploy." I glance at him. "Okay. What did he tell you? Did he hurt you?" He chuckled. "Nah, I'm fine. I've had worse. He told me how it was all fake between the two of you. How it was his plan to help us two and that you were reluctant. I really believed it, what an absolute idiot I am."