Curtains remained drawn to create a subconscious darkness.
The lamp stayed off.
The only light that shone on pale features emitted from an unplugged laptop. The battery was nearly dead, 18 percent. On the screen a fake-ass amateur couple's skin slapped together, thighs smacking and creating noise that could only be described as unnatural. She was screaming, mouth agape and positioning herself in such a way for the camera to consume her. All angles. All... selected. Tanned flesh rippled during close-ups and the brunette made foul moans, moans that... sounded... one-dimensional.
Allie stilled at the sight. Her face wore a blank, expressionless gaze. The brunette looked at her - spewing dialogue that insinuated an effortless orgasm. Her legs shook with displaced 'pleasure'. The male lover, on the other hand, stayed relatively silent. No words of actual sensuality were displayed. The void of... fantasy? Blue eyes didn't even leave the shock-value entertainment that modern generations deemed as normal. Instead, she simply placed her skull back against her headboard. Like always it was meant to be a slight distraction. The blonde couldn't go out and meet a man, none amounted to what she yearned for. So that left one option. Years ago there had been two. Option one: To use her own brain and fantasize. Once upon a time that had been the default and it was enjoyable. Of course, romance novels were sometimes utilized to bump up the gusto so to say but truly Allie had always been... imaginative and therefore could be quite creative when the moment called for it. No need for external sources.
But now the daydreams consistently turned to the same ideas and he wasn't around. In fact, the last time she made an effort for self-discovery she started to sob with her hands in her pyjamas. It turned out that longing outweighed sexual desire. She learned that the hard way. The visions started with touching every time but as soon as it got to erotic destinations the same delusion would always occur. Her mind would think about him telling her that he loved her in her ear with a calloused, yet kind palm on her bare belly and understanding lips would sweep over the side of her hair. Never X-rated in the way that humans were supposed to fantasize.
So, instead, she had option 2: pornography. For months it had worked (if only briefly). Sadly the masturbation wasn't even to 'get off'. It was just for small rushes of dopamine— anything to push away the truth, the dark.
This woman wasn't satisfied.
This woman was getting paid, probably a shite amount - to play a character. A personification of the male gaze.
And so, Allie's hands remained on her stomach. Watching, yet detached from her own desires. Two people were within her eyeline and naked performing an action that should have brought at least a fraction of arousal but all Alice felt was apathy. She supposed that the coping mechanism of distraction could only last for so long. Unfortunately, porn was the last method left of brief escapism.
She should have known it was coming. When she had first started watching the adult videos she'd get... maybe three minutes in before feeling the momentary release of fractional bliss. Soon three minutes became five, then seven, then ten... Ten should have been the red flag. She'd been struggling to even feign interest for a month or so. Now she sat in bed watching the whole video without even attempting to alleviate her pain.
The clip ended and Allie stared for a minute or maybe two before closing the screen of the device and slipping it onto the nightstand. She turned on her side. The black abyss in around her had now become more apparent and god, it settled. It settled deep and harsh. But there were no tears —- just an intense feeling of emptiness.
In her younger years, Alice had professed that she would never need a man again. What a delusion. She didn't need men like Ryan, that was true. Her honesty hadn't wavered over that - but Dean? Had it ever even been about him being a man? No. Maybe not. She didn't necessarily need a man to survive. That was too general. No. Allie needed a best friend. The funny thing about having something? Before you have it... you can have an idea of what it's like and yearn for that representation but you don't actually know what is to have that thing; to hold it in your hands and feel the warmth that radiates from it.
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From The Very Beginning
Fanfiction'Allie held a deep-seated resentment towards god. As a child, she was raised Lutheran Christian though it never settled in. She figured her mother needed something to believe in. Leslie Smith was a hopeful woman, despite her life's transgressions. H...
