Disarm

Chapter 35: Cut deep and I'm still alive

**Jade**

"Is it weird being here?" Grey asks, breaking the silence we'd been sitting in.

"It's weird Daph and Jay won't be walking in the door any minute." I say not looking up from the marble island.

"I'm so sorry, Bunny."

"Thanks..." I nod.

"What do you need?"

"Nothing." Even my voice sounds a million miles away from my body, and my heart feels completely disconnected from everything. The only thing I've registered is that Chase has started to whine; I have no idea what to do. I push myself away from the island and make my way to the nursery, it feels like I'm walking through cement that has begun to set as Chase's whines turn into cries.

I feel inadequate as a mother. I don't know how my own mom did it. Yes, I do; she waited until my sister was 9 years old then she had me. Sometimes, when Daphne or as Billie and Chase call her "Lizzie" wakes up crying I just want to let her cry. And even though Billie isn't the one who got me pregnant part of me hates her.... I'm sure if we were married divorce would be imminent, I'm pretty sure part of her hates me too.

I resent my mom and Daphne for leaving me on this awful planet. I resent Billie for not being able to breast feed Daphne at 2am, she's equipped for it for fucks sake. Sometimes I want to scream at Chase when he demands attention from me, and I don't have the mental capacity to give him the attention he needs or deserves. I long for the days when court mandated therapy was still a weekly thing for me, and I had to sit with an intern counselor who was also trying to figure out what the hell I was doing with my life. I spin the jade and filigree ring on my right ring finger and try to imagine what life for my children without me in it would look like. Would Chase continue to act out at bedtime, or when we don't have any hash browns? Would Daphne even remember me? Would Billie move on? I sigh, trying to push the dangerous thought out of my head remembering that Dr. Mullins said post-partum depression is very real, and I am in the bowels of it.

I look at my watch, Chase will be coming into our room about now asking if he can have hash browns and eggs. Daphne will start to stir because she's hungry. I look around the empty house on Ocean Drive, and wonder if I'm a shit person for taking off in the middle of the night?

**Billie**

"Billie?" I hear Chase ask as he pokes his head into our room, "Can I have hash browns?"

"Sure buddy." I say sitting up slowly to see Jade's side of the bed is still made, I guess she fell asleep in the glider again. "Let's go, check on Lizzy and mommy, yeah?"

"Okay." He says, taking my hand as we walk out of the bedroom, but something feels off as we make our way to Daphne's room.

I open the door slowly, expecting to see Jade in the glider with Daphne asleep on her chest, like so many mornings; but Jade's not there and Daphne is still sleeping soundly in her small sleep sack with the white noise machine going.

I peek in the crib and Daphne stirs, then whines, then is fully awake. I try not to groan, I love this little cookie, but she's not a morning person.

"Good morning, beautiful." I say softly as I pick her up out of her crib and walk over to the changing table. "What do have in here this morning?"

"Billie, where's mommy?" Chase asks, walking into Daphne's nursery.

"Go look in her office, downstairs buddy." I say concentrating on changing Daphne's diaper, honestly its like dismantling a bomb sometimes.

"Okay." I hear him say as he pads downstairs, "MOMMY?"

"Jesus fuck." I mumble, looking at Daphne who is staring at me, like she's keeping a secret.

"Jade?" I ask knocking gently on the office door, "baby, you, okay? Do you want some co...?" I walk into her office but she's not there.

Okay, don't panic... babies can smell fear.

I look at my phone to check for any texts or missed calls from her, but nothing. I scroll to Aunt Sherri and sigh.

"Recording Academy, this is Leslie. How may I direct your call?" Leslie chirps in a happy tone.

"Hi, Leslie its Billie.... is Jade in the office today?" I swallow hard knowing the answer.

"No, hon she didn't come in today. She sent me an email saying she was taking some time off."

"Okay, th-thank you." I say hanging up. I look at Jade's contact information and wait for the line to ring.

"Hi, it's Jade, sorry..." Fucking voicemail.

I flop on the couch, I'm completely worn out. Between the 3 meltdowns Chase had and Daphne having a blowout right after I changed her, I see why being a mom is a fulltime job and definitely not for the weak.

I look at my phone again and look at the messages exchanged between Jade and I, most of them have been pictures of Daphne and Chase or asking what's needed from the grocery store.

I sigh and call her again, "Hi, it's Jade...." I resist the urge to throw my phone at the wall for fear of waking up both domestic terrorists.

I call her again, "Hi, it's Jade...." I tune out the rest of her intro and wait for the beep telling me to leave a message. "Hi... its me.... I hope you're okay.... Please let me or Claudia know where you are... okay? Okay. I love you. I don't think I've said that enough to you in the last 2 months. But I do. Okay? Baby, please call me?" I sigh and end the call.

I feel a small dip in the bed and my shoulder shake gently, "Billie?" Chase whisper yells.

"Yeah, buddy?" I say sitting up, as my eyes adjust to the dark bedroom.

"Is mommy coming back?"

"Of course, she is, she's just..." How do I explain depression to a 4-year-old?

"Is she tired?"

"Yeah, buddy she is." He nods, settling into bed next to me.

"Billie?"

"Yeah buddy?"

"Does mommy still love us?"

I swallow the hard lump in my throat, "Honestly, I don't know." Is what I want to tell him, but I promised Jade I'd never break his heart. "Of course, she still loves us, buddy." I say pulling him into a tight hug.