One-shot Compilations

It Was Not Him

Nakaupo ako ngayon habang nakatitig sa kaniya... sa boyfriend ko. His facial features include thick brows and an average nose. He had a feature that can indicate that he was cute. Although he had plump lips, I sometimes have a reluctance to kiss him... well, nasusuka ako minsan kasi amoy sigarilyo siya. There's this smell when you kiss someone who smokes or kiss someone immediately after they smoke. This smell and taste of cigar in my mouth was something I almost cannot tolerate. Ewan ko. Maybe it was because I do not smoke. I hate it when he tried to kiss me after he smokes, then that's when I could taste this kind of woody and earthy taste. I can also smell it in his hands, which I hate. Aside from his heavy smoking, I don't have any bad habits that I have seen in him. Well, we were in a three-month relationship, so I can't say much about him. He was only a few inches taller than me, but he's younger than me-- Three years. He has a flexible job, so he was always in my apartment whether I was here or not. I don't know if it was because we were new that he always wants to be around me. Yes, I was complaining because I was not used to it.

Napabuntong-hininga. I am unable to sleep even though it was dawn. No, I don't think this was because of Jasper, my boyfriend sleeping here tonight or because I have a weird body clock due to my work. Or because I felt hot because he always wanted to cuddle and I was not used to it. I know I was like this because something was troubling me inside.

I would trade anything in this world to be able to love this man the right way. I would trade anything to feel something...just a little... just a tiny bit of something for this man, but... even if I tried something.. kahit na anong kumbinsi ko sa sarili ko na deserve ko 'to. I deserve this kind of love. A person who was willing to do anything for me. Someone I know who loves me. After all, those two heartbreaks that almost ruined my life -- no, it did ruin my life at some point -- I deserved this kind of love. Finally, I found my man who I think will love me, but who am I kidding? Totoo nga siguro ang sinabi nila. There would be the right man who would come, but then ikaw naman yung red flag. Tangina.

"Babe?" He called me in his hoarse voice. Agad itong bumangon ng makitang nakaupo ako sa tabi niya.

"Hmmm?" Tanong ko sa kaniya. The guilt in my heart grew each time. God! Ang sama ko. Ang sama-sama ko sa kaniya. 

"Ba't di ka pa matulog? Is there something bothering you? Duty mo bukas diba?" He asked. Bumangon ito sa pagkakahiga and he put his arm into my shoulder. Humilig ako sa balikat niya. I can hear his heart beating.

Yes, ikaw. Ikaw ang problema ko.  Gusto kong sabihin. Gusto kong simulan, but then natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaksyon niya kapag sasabihin kong I want out. I want to break up with him. I know he would be angry... of course, I know. He treated me with kindness. He was gentle to me and hindi ko kaya makita ang reaksyon niya na yun.

"Wala naman. 'Di lang makatulog," I said, lying. I looked at my phone at halos lumundag ang puso ko ng makitang may nag message sa akin na pinakilala ng kaibigan ko sa akin nung isang araw.

The truth was, my friends don't like him. They said I can find someone better. So, whenever we go out on a girls' night out, they always introduce me to someone else, and I was okay with it. I kept my options open, but never really indulging in anything more than a conversation. May takot pa rin ako kay Jasper.

I put my phone into sleep mode at tinabi iyon before he could even read anything. As fucked up as it sounds, all of my notifications are on mute. Ugh. This still feels like cheating, pero ayoko kasi pagmulan ng away.

"You're distant lately," he said. Natigilan ako sa sinabi niya. Biglang lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko dahil sa kaba. Ba't parang may alam siya? My mind was already formulating all sorts of explanations. I have all the possible questions in my mind. Sa totoo lang, 'di naman ako ganito noon eh. Ngayon lang naman. Sa kaniya lang.