One-shot Compilations

Why?

"Mabait yan si Jin. As in talaga, napaka humble pa. Matulungin 'yan," sabi ng isang kasama ko sa trabaho. Well, hindi naman kasama kasi magkaibang team kami. It is more of someone from another department. Nandito lang ako sa kung saan sila nakaupo para makipag-usap sa kaibigan ko. I owe it to her. She helped me with some concerns at work and said she's bored. So kahit na 'di ako komportable na kung saan-saan nagsusuot, sige na lang so that we can talk about anything and I enjoyed her company. I've been avoiding them for so long kasi nga... nagtatampo ako at nasasaktan sa mga nangyari. Well, 'di naman siya kasali. She's in this department while I am from a different department, but still... I tried to avoid them.

I know... I know they think na nagmamataas ako. Na para na ako kung sino kung makaasta na 'di namamansin. Just because I am in another team, I do not have the need to talk to them. Would they believe me if I told them I was hurt by their actions? They left me hanging to became the villain, and I feel like they all just tried to live while they left me alone and dying to something that can be resolved kung nagdalita lang sila at 'di natakot. I understand why they did that though. I swear, I am too understanding to not know the reason behind their action, but then that does not mean I do not feel betrayed with the people I cared about.

I think people just don't know that I value friendship so much. If I say I am your friend, I will stick to it. Hindi ako kasi yung taong plastic and pretending is not something I am really good at. They know that if I say I don't like someone, I just don't at walang makakapilit sa akin.  So, that is why I chose people who I would share my energy and care. Those who choose to be my friends can be certain that I will stay with them through thick and thin. So, if someone finds me jolly and talking to someone with my hyper-self, that means I consider them a friend.

I have been feeling nostalgic in the past few weeks. Seeing these people whom I tried to avoid and realizing that I missed them... it hurts my heart sometimes.

Are they toxic? Yes. I am a toxic person and I won't deny it. I always say masama mga ugali namin and that's the truth. Masama ugali namin in a sense na nasa lugar. Like we are not bullies or mean. We just show how fucked up we are and I like that. When someone has done something wrong and shows no remorse, we tend to be mean to them.

I miss eating with them. I miss talking with them even if it was toxic. I miss how immature some of them are with their opinions and even if I am against it pinapakinggan ko na lang than to voice out something that I know they are still not willing to understand but most importantly I miss that one friend that I was really close with. She's currently on extended leave, but I still miss our conversations while walking home and how she understands my opinions and perspective.

I am very opinionated, people just don't realize it. I have way of seeing things that people do not realize I have an opinion like that kasi nga I am loud most of the time and I act immature, but this one friend is really just the one who understood my opinion and she's also the most mature in our squad for me, I mean we both are.

If they just know how hard it was to pretend to not see them when my heart is aching to talk to them but ayokong pag-initan sila ng supervisor nila. If they just knew how I cried for a week because I miss them and I had to act like I do not care, but then I made my choice. I have to act tough and be alone kasi pinili kong lumayo.

My schedule changed, and I expected to feel alone again, but then the friendship was rekindled. Although, may lamat na talaga, but I am happy to joke around them again and not to walk on eggshells and think na malalagot sila kapag kinausap ko sila.

This March was all about rekindling friendships and I am okay with it. I was hurt... but that does not matter anymore. I think mas... mas gumaan yung loob ko when the thing that I was the only one standing against for in the past and that I also thought at one point na ako yung may problema only to know I was not really the problem. May lapses ba ako? Oo naman. Aminado ako dun, but then mas gumaan ang pakiramdam ko na tama pala ako na nagsalita ako ng maaga.