In a World without God

Chapter 39

Let it flow, Edulis thought, finally understanding the words. Edulis was still holding the leaf in his hand. He was waving it around, trying to get it to go where he wanted it to go.

He didn't have to do that, he realized. All he had to do was gently flick the leaf onto the water.

Letting your heart wander where it will might seem effortless, but it's a daunting feat. Sometimes it is like putting your hand in a burning fire, or in a river with floating ice. Humans want to move their hearts as they please. They want to block sadness and open up to joy. They want to lead it in a specific direction.

Edulis was no different. He realized that he was blocking the flow, that his hand was holding onto a leaf. She then let it all go, and like desert sand in the wind, his mind slowly began to flow.

Edulis saw his impatience and observed her sorrow, her regret, her faults. He didn't try to suppress them or push them away rather he just looked at them. And the impatience, the sadness, the regret, and the blame, floated away, like leaves on water, and flowed slowly.

The flow was not as natural as Ygraine's. If he was not careful, he would feel the urge to push or pull his heart. Before he knew it, he would find herself reaching out to the flow. All Edulis could do was keep pushing away that part of himself.

'Just watch. Only watch. Do not push, do not pull. Do not suppress, do not hide. Just watch.'

As the flow became smoother, the scent hovering around Edulis grew stronger. Buds peeked out of the ground where he sat.

Edulis felt like understood now how Ygraine could trust and embrace everyone in the world. It was because her heart was always flowing. It never stopped. She never held anything back.

Time passed along with Edulis' mind. He opened his eyes as something whispered in his mind to do so. As he did, he realized that his legs were covered in morning glory vines.

"Uhh...uh..." There was a groan. It was Murjana. She was shaking uncontrollably, her body racked with chills. Her face was ashen blue, and blood trickled from her eyes, nose, and mouth.

Edulis knew what she was going through. She had gone through the same process herself.

To fight Akale, she must train her white magic. To do so, Muryana was breaking down the magick she had built up over the years, a process that meant facing herself.

Edulis knew this would happen, but he didn't stop her. He would have made the same choice if he were Murjana.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I can't...." Murjana mumbled in her sleep with her eyes closed.

"Murjana." Calling her name, Edulis reached out to touch her hand. Murjana's hands were wet with cold sweat.

"It is you who hates you, and it is also you who does not hate you."

With that, Edulis closed his eyes. Then a wall separating his soul from Murjana's appeared. A voice came from beyond it.

- "You are a worthless human being, Murjana. You are not worthy of anyone's love.

- You should have died, not Taharka.

It was a shadow that spoke. A shadow in the form of Murjana, its body coiled with blue snakes. Muryana spoke in a gravelly voice.

- I am...

Edulis looked at Muryana. She was covered in blood. The hand that held her sword hung limply. Her trembling head was turned toward the floor. There was darkness, only darkness.

Muryana's magick was a flame of white light, but it seemed like it could be extinguished at any moment, like an ember left in the ashes.

Unlike Taharka, Edulis could not give Murjana his magick, but Edulis knew what he had to do. It felt natural, like a fish knows how to swim from birth.