In a World without God

Chapter 48

Everyone carries a sword within them. And we all wield them pretty easily.

"Get lost. Unlucky bastard. Someone like you should just die."

Bosha thought if everyone was carrying a sword, then he should be carrying one to stand against those who wield theirs. Or even yet, he has to swing a sword at someone before they can swing their knife at him. He hated humanity. He hated everything in the world, and he thought he'd never change his mind.

Ygraine was an invisible existence. Getting to know her was like getting to know one's self. The more Bosha was drawn to her, the more he learned about himself. He soon realized there were people in the world who did not carry a sword. Bosha realized he had wielded a sword at those people, and that his heart was filled with mindless hatred, envy, and jealousy.

As time passed, his steps grew heavier and heavier as he followed Ygraine, until one day he said to Ygraine,

- "I am a wicked man. I have made good people cry, I have made them bleed, I have made them die unjustly. What makes me worthy to follow you?

Then Ygraine answered,

- No, there is no one in all the world unworthy.

The weight of his accumulated sins crushed Bosha's heart.

- How can I pay for the sins I have committed?

Ygraine replied.

- No matter what you do, you can't.

Hearing those words, Bosha shook his head. Ygrainne continued.

- It's like trying to catch a river that has flowed away. Your sword had taken lives, their blood dripped and soaked into the ground, and their body rotted and returned to the earth. Nothing can undo that.

- Then... what am I to do? What can I do?

Ygraine smiled wryly.

- Love your people. And don't stop asking questions like this one. Ask, ask, ask. Keep questioning your own heart.

Bosha found salvation in that smile, living by it. Knowing that Ygraine was Lutea, and knowing that Lutea loved all humans, made him a new person.

But was it good enough?

Only after following Ygraine did Bosha learn about humanity— how parents love their children, and how friends trust each other. He understood how people rejoice together when they rejoice, and how people mourn together when they mourn. Only then did he understand the implications of what he had done.

Once he understood, the guilt became unbearable. What do you think the people who were struck by Bosha's sword feel?

- There is no one in the world who is unworthy of love.

No, no. There are those in the world who do not deserve love. Those who lost loved ones to Bosha would not want him to be loved.

- Everyone deserves to be happy.

No, not everyone. Those who have been made unhappy by Bosha will not want Bosha to be happy.

The questions he asked himself pierced his heart like a sharp, thick awl. His own logic would not allow him to forgive himself, so he leaned on Ygraine's logic. He buried the memory of his sin in the back of his mind. He followed Ygraine to fight the witch's forces and save people. He had died, struck down by the witch's clone, and died satisfied. Unaware that it was an act of self-gratification.

Now, his sins have come back to haunt him in the form of Armillo, bringing out the ugliest, dirtiest parts of him.

A question pierced Edulis's heart yet again.