BLACKHOUSE [H.S.]

Fifty-One

Chapter song:

Just Pretend by Bad Omens

-

"Fuck," I cough, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand as I flush the toilet. My hair sticks to my sweat-slicked forehead, and I push the wet strands back with a shaky hand.

I lean back against the bathroom wall with a groan, my legs sprawled in front of me as I force myself to breathe in an attempt to control the nausea still rolling through me.

I used what was left of my supply when I got home from Katie's last night, and my body is finally giving out after my weeks-long bender. I've been on the floor of the bathroom for forty-five minutes, puking my guts up from the withdrawal. All that's left is bile, the stomach acid having burned my throat raw.

I reach for the warm bottle of beer next to me, hissing in pain from the small effort, and take a swig to wash the acrid taste from my mouth. I wince at the stinging sensation of the bitter alcohol sliding down my throat.

Music thumps through my record player in the living room, my eyes fluttering shut as Just Pretend by Bad Omens begins to play.

I'm not afraid of the war you've come to wage against my sins
I'm not okay, but I can try my best to just pretend

I've been a fucking mess since I spoke to Katie, rotating between crying until I can't breathe, drinking until I can hardly see straight, and snorting what little cocaine I had.

But nothing has helped - not even a little bit.

I realized that I only had about two hits of coke left when I got home, and I've been fighting off the flood of memories since I used it up.

I can't keep doing this, Harry.

Don't call me that!

I need some space.

Over, and over, her words repeat in my mind, each time hurting worse than the last.

So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
(I might have to let you go)

I know I deserved every word she said to me, but fuck, that doesn't stop it from shredding my heart to pieces.

It devastates me to know that that's how she feels, that I've caused her to feel that way. Just the look in her eyes when I stopped her outside of her flat was enough to bring me to my knees. I broke her heart, irreparably. There's nothing I can do to fix it.