Bianchi: Dark Knight

1:34

As much as you want to fill that void you can't.

Her words haunt me. They lodge themselves deeply into my bones making them their new home. They're the same ones Cara said when she first passed away. Hearing it then it seemed that I wasn't enough. I wish I could say that I know it isn't the truth. Or at least only part of it. Hearing Lennox speak those same words tore out pieces of my insides. No other words seer my skin like hers do. When she says something it is true.

In the master bedroom Lennox is dead to the world. Blissfully she sleeps next to me. No tossing or turning the most she's done is snore every so often. I can't wait to tease her about it in the morning. She doesn't even wake up in the middle of the night like she often does. Tonight it's me that's the problem.

Lennox could see it earlier and called me out on it. Her dejected face while we ate dinner only made me feel worse. Still I wasn't ready to talk about it. For some reason I just couldn't. Putting distance between us was the easier option. I needed it to actually think properly. To understand exactly what Cara Marie had insinuated.

Running into her at the grocery store a wave of feelings hit me. They crashed on top of me, pulling me down almost to the point of drowning. I hadn't seen her in years. The last time being the transition ceremony. Where I passed my title onto her husband. I didn't even bother staying for the weekend of events. Opting to move on with my life. Now I can admit I couldn't take the memories of my mother that continually appeared. Being around the people she knew made it harder to push away the thoughts of her. Those same faces that knew her as I had would ask questions I couldn't answer. It physically pained me. Reading her will made me feel as though I was dying. At the time I couldn't imagine speaking of her death anymore than I already had had to.

All of the effort I put into avoiding that fell apart the second I saw Cara Marie. Walking down the aisle I thought I was hallucinating. I'd know her laugh anywhere. It's been imprinted on my brain after hearing it so many times. Spending days on end with her. Vacations or late nights when my father and her husband were on business our two families would spend them together. It was like a fever dream. Something I was making myself hear. Forcing myself to see. All along she was there. Not a figment of my imagination. Neither was her daughter in law and grandson.

These past two years I had heard much about the little family that is Alessandro, Avalon, and their son. Keeping tabs on them is part of the job and while I knew who they were and had even met Cara Marie's sons on various occasions something clicked when meeting the rest of them officially in person.

Sandro is severely protective of his mother, something I'm sure he has inherited from his father. Only twice did he even look away from Avalon. The first time being when I approached the three of them. My insides were clawing at me to confirm my suspicions. Once my gut has an intuition I always follow it. The only other time the little boy addressed anyone was at the mention of his name from his Nonna.

A question I hadn't ever considered wouldn't leave. Did I make the right decision by keeping my distance? Gia Marie's existence had me mulling over the aspects of my duties. Should I have been more invested in Cara's life? Did my responsibility extend that far? Did I still have a role to play within the syndicate? When she passed I wanted nothing to do with it all. Gia had me questioning how much attention I had actually been paying. If an entire human being had slipped through my radar, what else was I missing?

Bitter feelings form at the thought of mom never meeting Gia. If she were alive would the girl even exist? Her death changed the trajectory of many lives. I wonder if she were here what other things would be different? This is the exact reason why I haven't seen Cara. Whenever I do these thoughts hold me hostage. Feelings I believe I have grown from wrap around my heart all over again. Until I am replaying every moment of my life up until the minute that she is gone. It's the opposite of what I want. Especially now when I'm with her.