OVERTHROW - Eric Coulter

Chapter 50

"This is absurd." I huffed, opening my eyes. From lying down, I sat up with a furrowed brow, looking at Freya, who rolled her eyes. "Meditation sucks. I'll never have a blank mind, so many images run through my head, and it's too overwhelming."

"If only you could concentrate, it wouldn't be absurd." she massaged the bridge of her nose.

Eric had succeeded, he got me to come down with an offer I couldn't refuse: to continue the kiss in his room and order something from the kitchen to his quarters. I came down, and as soon as a guard saw me, he let me know that Freya requested my presence, so it was postponed. I had lunch with Freya in her office calmly, as if a few hours ago she hadn't seen me kill someone. Then she had me meditate as usual, but it wasn't working.

"I can't just stop thinking; having a blank mind is quite difficult."

"Grace, it's impossible to have a blank mind, let your thoughts flow, relax your muscles." she approached me. "Our faction requires us to be alert, and muscle tension is part of that. But we are stronger, elevate your mind."

I observed her, her face was warm, trying to be a compassionate woman, and she did it quite well, she was distinguished by her empathy and wisdom. She smiled, patting my shoulder.

"Why don't you hate me?" I whispered. "I just killed someone, and your face... I thought I would never see that look from you again."

"What look?"

"That one that makes you feel good, that shows how empathetic you are." I scoffed. "You smile, and I feel like what I did hours ago wasn't so bad."

She chuckled, shook her head, and positioned herself beside me, wrapping her arm around my shoulder.

"I don't agree with the death of a person. Genesis deserved to die, I know that. What I didn't want, and what I disapproved of, was you killing her. You're my daughter, and I want to keep your goodness intact, but I realize I can't force you. But that doesn't mean I hate you. I love you, Grace, and I want you to be safe even though we have different perceptions of punishment." she chuckled lightly. "You're my daughter, and I love you. Due to my immaturity, I couldn't raise you the way I would have liked, and I don't feel entitled to raise you now." She lowered her gaze, closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then exhaled, grimacing as she lifted her head."Do you see?" she continued. "Let go, trust me, and let out what you hold in your heart. You just repress it, and it doesn't let you think clearly."

It was such a simple act but so difficult in practice. I can't just tell her what I feel, and not because I don't trust her, or at least I think I do."I do trust you, it's just that I don't trust Max, and you trust him." I grimaced. "I'm afraid of not passing the stage. I need to pass it and become a leader." I swallowed, avoiding eye contact.

Not even a quarter of it, and a lump formed in my throat, my skin prickled, and my jaw tightened.

"You're doing great." Freya supported, hugging me tighter. "Release the accumulated air."

I closed my eyes, if I don't do it, she won't let me go, and if I don't manage it, I might not pass the stage and end up either factionless or discovered, and Eric Coutler might kill me like I killed Genesis. I cleared my throat. "I want to be a leader and have power, to blend in among the leaders. I fear being discovered, and I fear even more loving the man who kills people like me." I raised my gaze to the ceiling, trying not to let the tears fall.

There were a few seconds of silence. "Do you love him?" Freya finally asked.

"I'm tired of denying it or avoiding it, I love Eric, and he knows it because he loves being loved. I don't know if there's anything between us, but I know he'll leave me at some point, and I try to stay firm. Yesterday he kissed another girl, and he only had to ask for forgiveness for me to fall back at his feet and forgive him. And I feel so absurd because guys like him don't apologize, and the fact that he did gives me hope. But none of that matters because if he finds out I'm Divergent, everything will go to hell." I covered my face with both hands.