Suga sat in yet another new anonymous hotel room and stared at himself in the mirror. Something he had done several times in the last couple of weeks . He'd start off just doing his morning , or evening skin care routine and then get lost in his thoughts, thoughts that he didnt want to have but that invaded his mind anyway. Like ' does she even miss me ?' And 'is she doing OK?'
' have I scarred her more with my actions ?'
This particular time was evening , he'd unpacked , eaten with the guys , had a few glasses of beer and then had left early ...he couldn't keep up the happy pretence for too long.
" what am I doing ?" he asked his reflection " what should I be doing ?" He had never felt this confused about a person before .. he took a mouthful of the beer he had opened back in his room and then continued with his conversation to himself . " why cant you just let her go like all the other past sexual encounters ?.... Do I feel guilty over how we parted? ,,, he nodded to his reflection. ..absolutely he answered."
Some one knocked on his door and he was surprised to see Jimin there with two beers in his hands " thought you might want company " he said as he walked in handing him one of the beers. Suga finished the one he had then opened the new one . Jimin went and sat on one of the arm chairs and crossed his legs. Suga was still stood by the door but he had shut it .
Jimin spoke first " want to tell me what's up? " he said .He opened his beer and waited patiently . Suga would talk in his own time .
" Nothings wrong " Suga said " Just tired, its been a long few months " he sat down too and hoped Jimin bought his lie.
" Rubbish " He said and when he saw Suga go to speak he cut him off " and I even know it has something to do with Teri, "
" what do you mean ?" stalled Suga wondering how much he knew . Jimin shook his head ruefully " You have been my brother for how many years ? you and I have always been close and we've shared things with each other and done things that have always stayed between us.. I know you ! and you know you can trust me !"
He was so confused that to talk to him was so tempting.. but he couldn't mention the scar , that was Teris secret and he had already messed up , he took a breath and sighed " I .. was sleeping with Teri" he said and waited , would Jimin scream in excitement, pat him on the back, yell at him for breaking the rules ... Jimin did neither , but instead quietly asked " do you love her ?"
" God no" came Suga's fast response ..Jimin raised an eyebrow " Then what's the problem ? you've had fun and now she's off the scene , easy simple and clean .. unless you're worried shell go the papers ?"
Surprisingly that thought hadn't occurred to him " Great !" he said sarcastically " Just what i need ... something else to worry about !"
Jimin laughed " sorry Bro , but of you don't tell me all I can do is takes shots in the dark "
Suga took a moment and drank some more of his drink, choosing his words carefully he said " I expect you heard about our argument ? " Jimin nodded " You two have been the subject of many a talk between the staff and us actually. but its not un heard of to clash with a member of staff , we figured you and he just had clashing MBTI's or something "
Suga groaned internally.. why did everyone think Teri was a man ? was her sexuality such a big secret , topic of conversation and question ? Was he even allowed to correct him? A new regret crept in.. not getting to know Teri outside of the bed.. he sighed " Jimin brother , I really just want to be alone and try and sort my thoughts out "
Jimin stood up and placed his empty beer can on the side, he knew when Suga was done , but he did leave some passing words as he left .." You know brother .. If you did something wrong apologise, its the honourable thing to do at least and then its up to Teri to decide whether to forgive you or not , and before I go i'll say one more thing .. if the argument and guilt is making you feel bad then perhaps, even if not love , you may care more than you're willing to admit "
He left with a little sad smile saying he was always available to talk to if and when he wanted to , and then he was gone and Suga was left feeling quite raw...
The beer was making him feel a bit light headed but he knew sleep wouldn't come ...He grabbed a pencil and notepad and stared at the blank paper .
visualising problems may help him sort them out ..
Did he miss her? Answer... yes
Did he miss her more than her body ? . this he had to think about . Sex with her had been amazing , the way their bodies were in sync with each other often made him hard just from memory but he also missed her smile and her fun sense of humour , and the way he would wonder what colour her hair would be from week to week.... Answer ....yes.
If she came back would he want to see her again ? Answer ... easy yes
Did he owe her an apology .. Answer .. absolutely
Was she likely to listen to him ?" Answer .. Hell No !
He threw the pencil across the room , this was getting him no where and he was going round in circles, It didn't matter what he thought about her , or why he missed her, she was never going to talk to him again and he absolutely deserved her anger.
He looked at his reflection again , he imagined his Agust D scar running down his face, he imagined how he would feel if it was a scar he couldn't remove .. but he couldn't because it wasn't a real scar , just a symbol of his pain he drew on , hers was real and physical and who knew how she got it or who had hurt her with their words or actions because of it... and he'd done it too... he'd hurt her with out meaning to because he hadn't cared enough , because he was selfish and he absolutely didn't deserve to be forgiven by her , and that was a hard pill to swallow .
He crawled into bed , he knew he was on a slippery path , his toes literally dipping into the black hole of self hate and loathing but he just didn't feel strong enough to get out yet. He knew logically none of it made sense but mental health didn't have anything to do with logic.. he could only hope with hard work and concentrating on the remainder of the tour he could move on from this with out it getting worse .
