Elusion // l.h

Chapter 36- Confession

I squeezed into the tight running leggings as I heard the buzz on my night stand. A text probably. I ignored it for the time being and headed into the bathroom to get my hair in order. I had only gotten in done yesterday, but it was still an unruly mess. Not even five hours of sleep was not a good base to any day, but after a long night like that, I could not have been able to sleep more. I knew I was going to go running at 8, and that as already late compared to most days.

In the bathroom, I saw my mother's letter and gift on the counter from yesterday. I was so tired when I got home that I just put it there and told myself I would look at it when I woke up.

While brushing up my hair into a ponytail I sighed thinking of last night. Or technically this morning.

I was so extremely conflicted over what seemed completely normal to everyone else. I was clearly into Eric. Whether it was an unknown concept to me, it still became obvious. At least that's how people in movies always acted and felt.

I was looking forward to my session with Melissa. I was going to bring this up. She would help.

I had a weird feeling in my chest that made me want to scream. Oddly, I felt it before, right before that dreadful math exam, but I was feeling it again. I was very much caught up everywhere at school, so it must have been something new. It is such a weird feeling that you cannot describe. It's like wanting to scream at the very top of your lungs, because maybe doing that would take the weird feeling away. It helps for a minute, but the feeling comes back. Embarrassingly, I tried it out and it really did only last a minute or so.

Other than the weird invasive feeling in my chest, I was happy. I felt good. I felt good in myself, and generally in my surroundings. As an elusive girl with a runaway mother, an alcoholic friend, a misogynistic friend, a socially deranged friend, a burning hate for my math teacher and an extremely terrible past, I was okay. I felt okay.

I still had to figure out what to do with Luke's car that was on my driveway. He insisted I drop him off and drive myself home and he would get it after the run. It was better than the last time when I walked home alone in the dark, but I knew that the whole bet thing was only a joke. I was trying to be serious so his mother wouldn't have to come home to it, but who was I kidding? He wasn't going go come running. No way in hell.

I figured I'd take his car to his house and park it, then go on my run from there. He'd have it when he woke up. Both of our mothers were going to be home in the next hour so it would work out well.

After I thought the whole thing out, I looked at the letter and box and wanted to look at it. I wondered if I should have waited, but I thought I waited enough.

I picked up the box and letter and sat on the toilet seat, opening the envelope with a cursive 'Peyton' written on it.

My dear Peyton,

There is no amount of words or phrases that I can say to tell you how much I love you. Your strength and inner beauty still surprise me everyday. Well, what was I suppose to expect? It's you. It shouldn't even surprise me. Either way, I think that we have been good the last couple of months and I want to tell you how proud I am of making friends and making an effort. It's not easy. I know it's not. It never really will be. And for that, I am eternally sorry. But you're making the best of it. I know you are.

I know it's not a lot, but I hope you still love your gift. I picked every piece myself and hope you see what I was trying say with it.

Love you forever.

Mom.

I folded the paper and tried not to start crying. I know if I kept re-reading it I would.