Elusion // l.h

Chapter 39- Denial

"Okay I will admit," I paused to breathe. "The guac was better than at Chipotle." I said breathing heavily from the insane amount of food Luke and I both consumed. The gut wrenching feeling in my chest had returned from its hiatus thanks to the soul food and Luke's company. Ironically so, but he was one of - if not the only- person lately who knew how to cheer me up a bit. 

After that talk with Melissa, I truly felt like I was dying inside. I never realized how much of that night I forced myself to forget, but it made sense. It made sense why I am the way I am today. Why I am so scared of everything and why no matter how much I was getting better and feeling better, I couldn't let go. The fact that I was a human punching bag for most of my life, was something I knew. And the fact that I was the victim to disgusting crimes as a teenager I hated, but sadly, also knew. I just never thought I was going to be one of 'those' kids. Deep down I knew what happened and I still remembered it. But on the plane here I guess I kept telling myself it didn't, and like many times, I started to believe my own lie. As I sit with a food induced coma, I remember the trip home after it. The way I snuck inside making sure my mom was asleep or not home. When she wasn't anywhere to be found I remember how quickly I got rid of the bloody clothes and basically all of the evidence. 

I remembered the first time I saw him after it, he acted as if nothing had happened. As if I wasn't locked in a dark room for hours. There again, I felt the chills run down my arms. What did I do? How stupid was I to tell Melissa all of that?

"I hoped it would be. Can't believe I drove an hour for Mexican food." He laughed as he sat down on his bed. We ended up eating at his place since we didn't want to get the car dirty, but I we did both snack on the chips on the way there.

"I can't either." I smiled looking into space. There was a bit of silence in the room as neither of us spoke and I just ended up looking at the floor.

"Is everything okay with you?" He asked out of the blue.

I coughed a bit before talking. "Yeah, of course, why?"

He shrugged and moved a bit closer to me.

"You don't seem like yourself today." He observed. Well, that's because I wasn't myself. What even was 'myself'? 

I sighed before continuing. "I just had a bit of a rough day." 

I thought that guac could fix that, but what could really fix remembering something that horrible.

Luke had nodded and I knew he wanted to know why, and I knew he was going to ask.

"How come?" 

There it is.

"You know how sometimes you know you failed multiple tests and that you're flunking everything, and it bugs you and annoys you but you look past it? But then when the teacher comes up to you and shows you all the bad essays and actual grades and you realize what is actually happening and how bad it is?" I rambled trying to explain my feelings in one of the only ways somebody could understand.

"But you're not failing any classes. We barely have any classes left." Luke said, clearly missing the point.

"I know, but I mean the feeling." I said.

"I get what you mean though." Luke nodded and folded his arms.

"But what's making you feel that way? Is it Maggie and Ashton?" He pondered and I felt him making an effort to help me. He was trying to make me feel better but I couldn't possibly tell him any of this.

"You got me." I lied. It would be another lie to say that I wasn't still extremely pissed and angry about what happened on Halloween. Almost a month has passed since then and neither Ashton nor Maggie made any effort to reach out and apologize. I saw Ashton a couple of times at school and in class since we shared Art/Lit History and that tarnished the only subject I loved. He never even made eye contact with me, and when he did, he rolled his eyes and quickly looked away. As if I were at fault for the way Maggie completely lost it on me. Why were he and his friends completely isolating me for trying to help?