How To Be Heartless? (Book One)

Chapter 1: Itadori Sana

      IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASSROOM was a small girl, sitting with her head slumped in her books and a daze in her eyes. I would stare at that girl sometimes, watching as she aced her tests, but failed every physical exam. The students all sang her praise at how smart she was or how much they wanted to be her friend.
Sometimes I wanted that same praise. I wanted to be like Haruno Sakura, who never seemed to mind that she wasn't exactly strong. She never cried when her grades slipped or outwardly called herself a failure because she couldn't do something as basic as a clone.
The sky was dripping with spots of red, coloring the evening in a haze. I walked home with a growing sensation of dread in my gut. It was cutting as I saw the outline of the Itadori complex in the distance. The thought of my father was going to kill me sprang to mine with hallow amusement.
"I trained you for this," he was likely to say and I would have no choice but to bow down low and admit that I was a failure. How could I tell him that his 'training' was often just berating of my intellect and questioning if I was really his daughter? How could I tell him that I was sometimes scared that the kunai he would throw at me to dodge was actually meant to take my life?
How many daughters thought their family actually hated them?
How many fathers only spoke of advancing their Ninja art?
I was supposed to be a prodigy of the Itadori clan. I had a duty to uphold our status and I could never tell him that I didn't even want to be a ninja. I couldn't tell him anything without dishonoring myself and my family.
The complex was getting bigger and with it, my dread sunk to the bottom of my stomach as my ninja sandals slapped against the cement. He was going to kill me or worse, disown me. Our family tree would have another broken branch. I was certain Kana was going to get her wish.
She wanted my life so greatly, and I would do anything to just put on her clothes, cut my hair, and be her for just a day. We were never the type of twins close enough to act like one another, but I wished at this moment that we were. That my life could become hers and I could be the one whose only duty was to bare sons to continue our line.
I was in front of the Itadori complex gates, and my pulse was raising. I was drowning. I was suffocating. I walked through the gates, greeted with the warm smell of honeysuckle from the flowers surrounding the mansion. I took a deep breath and continued onward as if the house wasn't threatening to swallow me up whole until I was as much a part of it as the woodwork.
I tried to remember the small times, although they were few, where we all got along, where we forgot about the clan pressures of duty and legacy. I remember those moments where Kana didn't act like she hated me or like I committed some sort of unspoken offense.
I tried asking her once what I did, but she would go silent, her eyes far away and looking much older than 12 years of age. I never asked again, not certain if I could handle whatever it was that made her face grow so cold.
     Kana was near the gardens, tending to the flowers with an expression so kind that it was with great reluctance I speak. I didn't want to interrupt the care she took for every single petal near the entrance. However, she was in front of the entrance and there was no way around it.
"Kana," I greeted, watching her back freeze as if made from stone. I watched her hands stiffen from against the iris that rested so near. Slowly, reluctantly, she turned. That ice returned to her eyes that left no room for conversation. She didn't say my name, and her stoic face reminded me of my own.
If we were twins, why are we so different?
"Is father away on mission?" It wasn't so unwelcome, and I loved the days he would spend away. It was like I could breathe again. Sometimes, when he was gone, Kana was nicer. It was as if she had forgiven me for whatever crime she thinks I committed.
"No," she said, and that explained why she was outside. Kana avoided father at most times, bitter from being forced into the role of baby maker instead of ninja.
"Ah," I said, feeling my heart clench again. "I was thinking...maybe," I paused, rethinking my words, but ultimately saying them anyway. "Maybe I can teach you what I learned from school." That much I could do. I knew everything in theory, and I could teach it. I just couldn't do it, and today proved that.
"Sana." Kana stood, her dress falling back down to her ankles and that cold expression froze my attempt. "I don't want to spend any moments with you. I don't know how to make that any more clear than this. You are an eyesore."
I wanted to ask 'why do you hate me so much', but I couldn't get the words out. Today already sucked the life out of me, leaving me drained of all ability to speak. Instead, I said, "I just thought you liked this Shinobi stuff. I just-" I cut off, not knowing what else I could say.
I didn't want to make it worse since I remember the conversation only a couple weeks ago. I hadn't meant to spy on them, but father and Kana always seemed so secretive. It was as if they were both in on something I knew nothing about. That day they were arguing, and I heard bits and pieces, words like "play pretend family" and "what good would she be as a ninja" and "I should be there too."
Father had shut down Kana's requests to join the academy with a firm 'no'. Since then, our relationship further deteriated.
       "I just don't want you to hate me anymore," I said, flinching at my own slipped out words. I hadn't meant to share them. I meant to recede with grace. I prayed Kana didn't hear, but my wishes never came true.
"And you think you being a ninja is why I hate you?" Kana had a smile on her face, and I glanced up with furrowed brows, but I didn't get to ask for clarification.