Forever

Thirty-nine

I sit on the toilet, thinking. Taylor is in my room waiting on the full story and probably an explanation. I have story but no explanation for why I haven't told Zayn. I care about him and love him but is that really my place. My phone rings: Chris.
I owe him an explanation so I answer.
"Hey.." I say. He sighs, as if I was missing.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine."
"I wanted to be there for you, why'd you unpack my things...?"
You don't belong in this situation.
"Because, go get Talia. Okay? Thank you for being there."
I hang up. Now he's free. Safe. I put my head in my hands. Maybe I lost Zayn because I began to crush on someone when I had someone. Maybe I lost Zayn because I left him alone. No, he had a baby long before I left. So what did I do wrong? Am I just not what he thought I was? What is it. I need to know.
"Jane, I'm exhausted and this jetlag. I'll catch you in the morning baby girl." Taylor says to the closed door.
"Okay. I love you, Taylor."
"I love you, too."
I can hear the smile in her voice and I smile too. My baby girl could grow up with Taylor as the best aunt ever. Does she really need a father? Did I really need a father? Yes, everyone does. But does that mean I accept heartbreak or selfishness. I can't make a decision like that. I'm not ready but I'm also not ready for a baby. Is Zayn ready to have two families? He doesn't get to decide that either. Does anyone really have a choice in life?